A Narcissist Grieving Over A Parent Is Twice as Dangerous
Hi Dragonflies,
If you have experienced what I have learnt recently than this blog entry will resonate with you the most. Personally I have noticed my father getting worse. What I didn't realise was that even though this was not my Grandmother's intention and that she was just trying to be a good mother, she unknowingly became a source of narcissistic supply to my father. My father would continue to have an obsession with me while my Grannie was alive and my Grannie would often leave notes at my house(when I lived in the old unit) or text messages(before I changed my number) to get me to talk to my father which I would always ignore. My father can easily get on other peoples nerves but he is not really much of a danger to others except myself. Well usually. This time is different.
For many years my father could not get in contact with me unless I made contact myself and for 2 years I didn't hear from him because I made it impossible for him to contact me. When my Grannie died we had a temporary truce which he thought he could extend to something permanent. I was vulnerable because I lost my Grannie and it was very hard to keep my ties severed from my father but once I saw myself struggle and my gut feeling began to sink in, I cut ties. The only difference was that I wasn't letting my estranged relationship with my father keep me from seeing other relatives.
My father has seen this as an opportunity and he has also seen my Grannie's death as an opportunity for him to have a reason to contact me but he is also spiralling. Now that my father has lost his main source of narcissistic supply he is trying to find a new supply and he is becoming more aggressive in trying to stalk, harass, intimidate and get in contact with me. He is not trying to pretend as much but he has told me that he will not leave me alone this time. I have realised that I need to take more action to keep him out of my life and to continue to have the stability I have worked so hard to achieve.
I decided to use Meta AI to get some more specific answers to my questions. I was able to find that Narcissists become more dangerous when grieving a parent who enabled them and validated them. This triggers,
-Emotional Instability
They become more irritable and more aggressive as they struggle to cope with their emotions.
-Sense of Abandonment
They may feel abandoned leading to more desire for validation and attention.
-Loss of Narcissistic supply
They may act more manipulative and engage in exploitative behaviour to garner new narcisistic supply.
-Increased Grandiosity
They try to hide their vulnerability by engaging in more grandiose and arrogant behaviour.
-Blame Shifting
They may try to redirect their emotions on others blaming them for their pain.
I then asked AI if a Narcissist gets very good narcissistic supply from a biological family member and then that family member dies, does that make them want to find new supply in another family member?
AI answered that this is very possible not only because a biological family member might be good supply but because family members are more easily accessible and more emotionally invested. This can lead to a pattern of exploitation within family dynamics. They also may;
-Feel a sense of urgency to find a new source
-Target another family member who is vulnerable or easily manipulated
-Use guilt, anger, or self-pity to control and exploit their new target
-Repeat the same patterns of behaviour that they used with the previous source
This can also continue a cycle of abuse and trauma within families as the narcissist continues to seek out and exploit new sources of supply.
I also have my own knowledge as to why my father is trying to zero in on me more aggressively this time. The thing is I will admit that I used to be a source of narcissistic supply to my father and even during those brief times I tried to make my relationship with my father work I would have been seen as a source of attention and validation by my father. I suppose it makes sense why I was the only one trying those times and he wasn't. He was in contact with me so he could have narcissistic supply but back then I was in contact with him because I wanted a father. But I was more of a good supply to my father when I was a child. I was not in his life back then because I wanted to, I was in his life back then because I had no choice. My father still sees me as that child.
The thing is that I'm not that person anymore. I'm not even the same person I was 2 years ago when I last contacted my father to try and make things work. The point is I only had a temporary truce with my father because I wanted to be involved with my Grannies funeral and because I was vulnerable in my grief. Things have changed now that all the ceremonies and the funeral is now over. I don't have to be around my father anymore. Now I have more choices. I can visit family in Queensland and in Sydney when family comes overseas to visit, on my own terms. My father is not close with his mother's side, just his father's side and it's easier to avoid him now more than ever. But I do think I need to finally take that legal stand against my father to protect my immediate family and my future. I think it's even more important to take a legal stand while he is twice as dangerous as he use to be. He will have to find a stranger to be his new source because that new source is not going to be me.
p.s. I don't condone narcissists getting new victims. I would prefer my father become a good person for other's sake. I'm just saying that last line as a statement as to what is likely to happen because I will not become his supply ever again.
Bibliography
The Narcissist You Know: Defending Yourself Against Extreme Narcissists In An All About Me World by Joseph Burgo
Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret To Recognising and Coping with Narcissists by Craig Malkin
The Gaslight Effect: Recognise Behaviour, Overcome Devastation, and Reclaim Your Life by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis
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