50 Shades Of Gaslighting

 

Every now and then I have a flashback of certain things my abusers have said to me. At the time a part of me felt shame and buried these memories but when I remember them now I think of it with a whole new perspective. Here are some things abusive relatives have said to me and what they are really trying to do when they say these things. It may help others as abusers tend to say similar things.

-I use to share my written work with my grandmother a lot but when I started showing my ability to be able to be independent from her she changed her responses to my writing. Most people know I have a very intimate style of prose and I share more of my life than others. Anyways one of the last times I shared my prose with her she responded with That's too much information!

What she really meant in this situation was that my writing was becoming more open and honest and as she knew I had written about family members behaviour toward me before, she was worried I would write about her abuse towards me. She was practically trying to silence me. As you can see it didn't work.

-I once brought up with my dad about how his girlfriend abused me and how I was more aware of it now, everything that went wrong and that she needed to apologise to me and start the healing process. During this conversation I also was honest about my faults and that it took a long time to forgive myself after apologising to his girlfriend profusely. After years of apologising to his girlfriend she never forgave me and kept bringing up my previous wrongs in every argument we had as if she was keeping count of all my flaws.

My dads reaction to me forgiving myself after apologising for my mistakes was met with contempt. I'm glad you can forgive yourself, was said in a very sarcastic tone. Every time he and his girlfriend brought up previous wrongs he was successful at using that shame against me. He didn't like that he couldn't hold those things over my head anymore.

My dad's reaction to me bringing up his girlfriends abuse toward me was met with a kind of response that was angry and he insinuated that I was holding a grudge and resentful. He listened to me for once but he did not want to do anything about starting the healing process. My fathers response made it obvious to me that he was aware of his girlfriends abuse toward me and that he didn't like me bringing it up. He wanted me to bury it under the carpet and it seemed like he supported his girlfriends abuse toward me.

He also made general sorry statements where he wasn't taking personal responsibility for his faults in his parenting. You weren't given the right messages about yourself when you were young.

-My uncle once got angry out of the blue for an artwork I sent him. Previously, I was honest with him about how I didn't like him making me the butt of all his jokes and how his wife tried to pressure me into spending time with my grandad. He gave me the silent treatment and then one day he blew up at me and was angry at me for sending him an artwork that my grandmother participated in. He said You need to be more respectful of your granny.

What he meant was I want you to be a willing participant of my jokes because I feel awkward around people and my only way of feeling comfortable in social situations is if you let me make jokes about you. You have upset the already delicate pecking order of this family and now I am going to have trouble finding a new scapegoat of the family, I can make jokes about.

I have many other examples of gaslighting but this is just some recent memories that have come up for me. The main objective of this post is that when people say these things and behave in these ways it is not about you and it is not your shame to take on. When people are insecure they usually try to take advantage of kind people because they feel small and out of control and the only way they can feel bigger is by trying to make you feel smaller.

Don't take it on and question it at every turn.

To my grandmother nowadays I would say. Well I thought you were special enough to share this with but I guess I was wrong. This is my information to share and I get a say if it's too much or not. I will know now that you are not a true supporter of my author voice and I will not share something as special like this with you again but I will keep writing like this because I am being my authentic self and you can't change that.

To my father I would say: Well it seems to me that you are a willing participant in your girlfriend's abuse of me. I will not be a part of your painful story and I do not want people who can't support my growth and healing, in my life. You are holding me back from achieving true healing and so is your girlfriend. I think it's best we go our separate ways. 

To my uncle I would say: You are using your mother as part of your hurtful agenda. You are not being authentic by doing this. I know you are angry with me and I wish I was honest with you sooner by how your jokes made me feel. I think you need to see a therapist about your confidence issues because I don't think anybody else would allow you to make jokes at their expense. I hope one day you feel confident and secure enough to socialise with people and that you don't need to be the funniest and most successful person in the room. I always wanted to connect with you and often looked up to you. I feel sorry for you that we couldn't connect but I will always love you from where I am. I just can't love you being by your side because I can't be a part of this oppressive family system. I still wish you all the best in life and hope that you find happiness and health in all your endeavours.

Sometimes it's easy to be angry but I'm at a point now where I feel safe and fully in tune with my inner power. I'm at a point in my healing where I know that my toxic relatives cannot take away my true self because it's properly solidified. I'm at peace in my life enough to wish them the best. I know they wouldn't support me doing Walk Everyday May but I will keep running this event for my healing and others healing. This is something bigger than me and because of this event I feel stronger, happier and more peaceful than I've ever been and if something makes you feel this way and you feel a strong spiritual calling to that thing than you have to continue on that path because a person's bliss spreads to others.

I hope this post helped many💗