Don’t Be Offended If A F.V. Survivor You Know Freezes Up

 

I’ve been massively triggered lately due to Easter. I’ve started to worry about history repeating itself. Every time I feel like I’m a mile away from the damage that my relatives did towards me, it comes up in other things I experience.

Trauma and the memory of it can be massively invasive.

I try to be kind to myself and remind myself of those that appreciate, value and respect me. It’s hard sometimes to stand up for the treatment I deserve. Other people sometimes have other ideas of what respect is or what constitutes as kindness. I use to have barely any standards in how I am treated but nowadays being respected, valued and appreciated is so important to me and this treatment depends on what I have to give and I can’t be any other way now.

If I feel like I am being taken for granted or disrespected, I’m not able to give anything to these people even if they have been respectful in the past, even if they love me and don’t mean any harm. Disrespect suddenly empties my tank of generosity and freezes me still. I can either speak up, or just not offer anything out of protection for myself. Let me be clear though, If I am thinking of offering something and all of a sudden I decided suddenly not to offer that thing, I am not trying to be nasty. I think after years of giving to people who had absolutely nothing to offer me except disrespect, my body somehow blocks my ability to give to anyone that might not appreciate what I am about to give. It’s a protective mechanism. I suppose it’s also for self preservation.

You see, when I started dating my now husband, he started treating me better than I had ever been treated before. All of a sudden I was being valued and appreciated for all I can give and he never made me the butt of jokes or ignored me for a second. After having it this good I started to stand up to my abusive biological relatives one by one. They didn’t like being told the truth about their behaviour and didn’t want to change so I cut them off one by one because I realised my own self worth and didn’t want to feel exhausted and exasperated every time I had something to give.

So now even if I am being a little disrespected, or ignored, or made the butt of jokes, even by people who I love, my body blocks me from giving them something I have to offer. It’s a reaction I can’t change and to be honest it’s a reaction I don’t want to change. I don’t ever want to be treated badly again and I’m not going to encourage bad treatment of me. I’ve suffered enough in this life from others inability to see my value and I am empowered by my ability to protect myself even if it ruffles a couple of feathers. I have to stand up for me because my parents and my grandparents didn’t stand up for me so I need to do this. I can’t expect others to stand up for me because I don’t think that’s fair.

Standing up for myself is something I am still learning at times to do and even though I am married I still have that mentality of ‘If I don’t stand up for myself than who will?’ even though my husband stands up for myself always, even if I don’t always see it. I think it’s better to be as self reliant as possible because there will always be people who disappoint you and even those you love are capable of this so you have to be your biggest cheerleader. I also believe that if you have enough conviction to stand up for yourself every time then you might be surprised by those that stand with you. You may realise that there are more people on your side than you think.

I think it’s easy to have a mentality that you’re always on your own when you stand up for yourself especially when most of your life you were the only one that stuck up for yourself. I’m starting to realise more and more that there are people who have always been on my side and I’m sorry to those who I didn’t realise you were always on my side. I wasn’t under appreciating you it’s just that in a moment of traumatic response we don’t always see the whole picture of a situation. For people who are abused as a child, when we are triggered we are taken back to that place where we are all alone and feeling defenceless but also dragging ourselves to the fight.

I want to take this opportunity to thank those who have always had my back and also the new people in my life who have also been supporting me. You have all been helping me to grow heal and find happiness in my life. Because of you I have started this event: Walk Everyday May to help others who are survivors of family violence. Your strength has given me more strength and that has put me in a position to help others so Thank you so much. 

Thank you also to those who are supporting Walk Everyday May. Your support means the world and is helping create more inclusivity and unity in our society. So Thank you so much.