If You Are The Golden Child, Don’t Be Fooled, You’re Being Abused Too
The other day I saw my maternal grandmother sitting down. She looked exhausted and she had a walking stick. Many people who judge people on outside appearances may find it hard to imagine that she is an abuser but I know better. When I was younger I wanted her to love me until I realised how destructive her ‘love’ was. It’s so damaging that I actually feel sorry for both my mother and my aunt.
My mother has always been the discarded scapegoat, jealous of my aunt who is the smothered golden child. I use to feel for my aunt, having her sister being aggressive toward her simply because my mother was discarded by their mother and my aunt was favoured by their mother. I didn’t realise at the time that not only did both of these women lack awareness of the fact that their mother was unfairly comparing them all the time but I also realised later that I was a victim of this kind of toxic dynamic as well.
For a while my mother and I were close because we were both the scapegoat but I chose not to live in victimhood which left me subject to my mother’s jealousy as well. On top of all that I use to feel jealous of my paternal cousin who was the golden child grandchild leaving me as the scapegoat grandchild. I often felt mad at my cousin until I decided not to give in to family trying to pit me against my cousin due to consistently comparing us to one another. She was seen as the independent one whilst I was seen as the co-dependant one. She was seen as a better artist than I was. She was applauded for having better taste in boyfriends than I did. I realised it was all ridiculous because my cousin had privileges that I didn’t have. She was raised by a mum that encouraged her independence. I was raised by a dad that threw tantrums when I said no to making dinner with him and withheld my stuff when I decided to move out. My cousin didn’t have the disadvantages that I had and in spite of my disadvantages I was very independent.(some people wouldn’t seek help in moving out and would be scared to do it at all)
Fortunately for my cousin she is so independent and well set up in life that she doesn’t have to endure the same level of abuse that I had to. But my aunt hasn’t been so lucky. People seem to think she is a saint and her mother and ‘friends’ put her on a pedestal so high that she is doomed to fail more because she can’t keep up with her mothers concept of her. Her mother had once said that only my aunt could wear white to her wedding because she was a virgin, little did she know that she wasn’t a virgin and has been slut-shamed by both her sister and mother on opposite ends of the scale. I have also been subject to this. It’s like walking on a balance beam where you cast yourself as innocent(virginal) to avoid being slut-shamed but then you struggle with having a sexuality and fear acting on it will make people think of you as a slut. It’s often been characterised as saying you’re either a Jackie or a Marilyn.
As a result my aunt hasn’t been able to think for herself. Her image and life is dependent on what her mother thinks. She has had 2 failed marriages (1 more than her mother) and her life became so messy she had to get a house built in her parents yard. She works too hard to make money and she also yells at others when she doesn’t get her way. This is a woman who lives at the height of stress. She may have a relationship with her mother but she is imprisoned by her mother’s expectations. On the outside she appears to be doing well but behind closed doors she is under enormous pressure. She also never got to live her fun young 20’s due to having kids and getting married so young. This was due to her mother putting pressure on her to get married since she was a teenager.
The biggest pitfall to a golden child is having poor boundaries:
A golden child's sense of self and their personal boundaries are erased, as their own sense of identity is replaced with the need to live up to their role. Their behaviours and beliefs reflect what their parent expects of them, and they may feel incapable of individuation even in adulthood.
My aunt has the fully fledged golden child syndrome which has proved to cause the most damage. My cousin has had a touch of it but has managed to escape family expectations to an extent by having an active working and social life and going back and forth living overseas.
So to conclude being jealous of the golden child is pointless. They are victims just as much as the scapegoat is, just in a different way. If all a parent has to offer is ‘golden child’ love than it shows they lack the ability to love their child for who they are and that’s a big problem. So when I realised this I felt sad for my cousin that she didn’t have the strength to stand up to the toxic family like I did, but I’m also proud of her by not being sucked in to living with my paternal grandmother and that she refused my grandmother trying to get her to wear girly stuff. She is a tomboy and she’s not letting anyone change that about her. I have no jealousy for her anymore because that's another way the toxic family use to have control over me. I also hope she is living her best life because I am now living mine and we both have equal chance at that now.
Another important thing to remember if you ever catch yourself feeling jealous (which is a totally natural emotion and doesn't make you a bad person) is that just because that person has that thing that you want, doesn't mean you can't have that too. The golden child doesn't have it all. They just want you to think that and the scapegoat can more easily escape the toxic situation.
Bibliography
Comments
Post a Comment