Limerance and The Pursuit of Breaking Ones Heart (Repost from WEDM 2022)

(This is a repost from last year)

When I was younger and before I met my current partner I use to consider myself a romantic but I would always get into the wrong types of relationships or I would mostly prefer to be 'in love' with someone than be with them.


Most of the time I was unaware of the fact that I was a victim of family violence because I was always escaping into romantic fantasy. I was obsessed with music, dancing and being in love and often when I wasn't in love I would feel bored and long to be in love again.


In the past couple of years I realised that this was an addictive behaviour I would indulge in called Limerance.

Limerance is a type of trauma bonding that feels a lot like love only you either prefer not to be in a relationship with that person or you constantly put that persons needs before your own to a point where you neglect your own needs such as eating and sleeping.


When I first got together with my now fiance I knew that I was getting into a healthy relationship with someone I loved but every now and then I would get confused because I was so used to being in limerance and I had never experienced love before. Not only that but I grew up seeing my father in toxic limerance type relationships and not knowing what genuine healthy love looked like.


Most of my life I was convinced I was a romantic when I had never really experienced real love. Being in my current relationship helped me learn who I truely was because I was able to deal with my abusive family, open my eyes to them but also I learned I wasn't really a romantic at all. Of course I loved to be thoughtful of my partner and have loving intimate moments with him but I didn't want him to buy me flowers all the time (even though he did earlier in my relationship which I loved for a while) and I didn't want him to write me poetry all the time, or take me to see romantic films all the time. To be honest I don't even really like romantic flicks, the occassional romcom is fine but I'm not big on it.


I love having intimate moments with my partner but I also like playing board games with him, seeing nature, watching sci fis and comedies with him, go shopping with him but I also like to do my own thing alone at home and so does he. He's my best friend as well as my romantic partner and we are equals who support each other. We look after ourselves and each other and we can be ourselves around each other.


I may have spent years in requited and unrequited limerance which would always break my heart but real love is so much better. It allows you to be a healthy independant person and it allows you to have stability and support while you achieve your dreams and be who you were always meant to be.


Information Sources


https://www.brides.com/limerence-vs-love-5193245

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