My Father Said: ‘Leave it with me.’

 


'Leave it to me.' Is a phrase used by an abuser in the book I'm reading about domestic violence. It's strikingly similar to a phrase my father used towards me 'Leave it with me.' Domestic Violence abusers often use similar phrases and words to garner control over their victims and when I saw this, I felt more validated but it also brought up an experience I didn't deal with at the time because my grandmother kept telling me that my father meant well at the time as a bid to silence me.

A part of me always suspected that my dad used this phrase to control me but I wasn't certain when I was living under his roof. There was one time in particular when I asked my father if I could have a friend over. He said 'Leave it with me.' I asked him how many days should I wait until I got an answer and he said 'Just leave it with me.' At the time he came across as being slow and I thought he was going to ask his girlfriend If I could have a friend over because he always asked her permission on things like she was his mother. At the time his girlfriend wasn't even living with us, she lived in the back unit which was located in our backyard. My friend and I got sick of waiting and made other plans. After several days had past (like 4 or 5) my dad said I could have my friend over. It angered and frustrated me and my dad believed he had every right. At the time I just assumed he was slow and forgetful and partially felt sorry for him.

The last time he used the phrase I was living with my husband and although I still didn't totally feel like an adult, I felt like an adult when it came to my father, especially when I was often estranged to him and that was 99% of the time my choice. One day he asked me if he could borrow a book from me so I leant it to him. It was a classic penguin book. One day he told me that he had finished reading the book. So I asked him if he could return the book to me. He said 'Leave it with me.' I said it's my property and you have a responsibility to return it to me. He then repeated the phrase so I said. "Can you give me a time frame of when I will expect to get it back." He then repeated the phrase again.

I was so livid. It occurred to me in that moment that he was using this phrase to try and control me. I told him that if he wasn't telling me when he was going to return the book, then he is actively stealing it. I don't think he responded to this statement but was repeating the 'Leave it with me.' phrase still. It was very clear to me that he was playing games. I stewed on my anger for a day and then came up with a plan to regain my control over the situation.

I bought a new copy of One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest and sent him a picture saying that he no longer needed to return the book as I had already replaced it. I think his response was something to the effect of 'You didn't need to do that. I was going to return it to you.' My response was 'Yeah right! Don't ever contact me again.' 

He then showed up in N.S.W. trying to regain contact which is a whole other story that involves  'flying monkeys'. When he visited he left my original copy of One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest with my grandmother. I suppose he was trying to prove me wrong but he didn't realise that what had happened was more than him stealing from me in that moment. It wasn't the first instance of him taking control over my property away from me either. In that moment I saw that his 'Leave it with me' was his way of trying to control me and that he was always actively abusing me. He couldn't blame his girlfriends solely for abusing me anymore and it was one of the instances where he was exposed for being an abuser himself.

Whenever I realise this it's still hard. There were times I went into denial over these examples because I so desperately wanted to connect with my dad. Each time I spoke with him I had a little more control over my life, each time I spoke with him exposed him more. It was a hard lesson and in my heart of hearts I will always love him but I will not allow him to be a part of my life anymore because I know I deserve better. I know my self worth now and the people I am surrounded by also see my worth.

If any of this has been triggering to you call 1800 Respect or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

I hope this helps <3







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