Can A Family Member Change For The Better?


Yes I believe so but in my case I haven’t seen any real change in my biological family. As a disclaimer though, I do not write about my current family in this blog. The family I have now are very good to me and because I am aware that toxic relatives might be reading this blog as it is a public one I do not share information about my current family that I have married into. This is mostly to protect them as I have had relatives seek out people I have contact with as a bid to control me.

Here are signs a family member is serious about change and wants to contribute to yours and their healing journey.

 -They admit honestly how much they have hurt you and demonstrate an understanding of how much you have suffered. They can acknowledge the betrayal of trust,love and safety this represents and does not minimise or excuse their actions.

-They genuinely apologise, making eye contact when saying sorry, and pledging a commitment not to repeat their violence.

-Show empathy for you and others.

-Admit and act to remedy mistakes in other areas of their life.

-Actively offer to make some sacrifices that will help heal the situation such as taking time off work to attend a counselling session.

-Show respect to you. You might find they can listen to an alternative opinion you have that they do not agree with, without anger or interruption.

-They treat you as an independent equal. They no longer question your movements or decisions.

-They take more equal part in the healing process and even find books about breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma and share these findings with you.

A family member that wants to change will be on your team and it will feel genuine. Also note that sometimes when abusers want to suck you back in they may play the role of a thoughtful caring person but after a while they get lazy and return to their usual abusive behaviour. The more you set boundaries with them the clearer it will be when they go back to their usual abusive tactics.

***These tips have been sourced from a book called Blame Changers by Carmel ‘O’ Brien.***

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