The Nature Of The Toxic Relationship I Grew Up Around

 

When I was around 14 my dad started a long distance relationship that kept him on the phone for most nights. When I was 16 my dad’s long distance girlfriend came to live with us. On top of experiencing severe neglect at both their hands I would often witness the toxicity of their relationship. They would often shout at each other and throw things at each other. I would stay out of the way as much as possible when they had these explosive arguments.

My dads relationship was very toxic and made me cringe a lot of the time. I saw my father regress in growth and become like a teenager that threw tantrums. He may have been dysfunctional before this relationship but he never use to throw tantrums to this caliber. His tantrums were more like 3 year old tantrums at this point which was ironic because he worked in a childcare centre. My father gave up his own individual identity for this relationship and he even started liking his girlfriends taste in music.

It wasn’t like they became lovers due to mutual interests. They made up mutual interests for the relationship. I remember feeling queasy at this and sad because not only did he spend all his time with this girlfriend, it seemed like she took away the person my father once was. He lost himself in this relationship and I didn’t see an awe inspiring love, I saw the exact type of relationship I should aim to avoid.

Unfortunately I ended up in similar relationships initially but because I valued my individuality, those relationships would often end because I would miss who I was before I was in the relationship. This was because even though we may make similar mistakes to our parents due to seeing these examples growing up, I still thought of my dads relationship as a cautionary tale that I must avoid. Sadly my dad is still in this relationship.

The relationship that my dad is in with his current girlfriend is called the  aggressor/codependent type relationship. It’s a relationship that is formed by two damaged inner child’s coming together and trying to heal their past upbringing. My dads girlfriend is very similar in controlling behaviour to his mother and my dads girlfriend grew up without a father and it seems very clear she is trying to replace her father with my father. This is why she often felt jealous of me and my bond with my father and when I took up learning guitar and got praise for it from my father, she too took up learning guitar.

My dads girlfriend never encouraged my dad and I to bond on our own and when we did I felt like I was walking on eggshells with her. The last time I visited my dad and his girlfriend (where they lived) they had an argument of where we should go together. She liked to impose herself on days that it was supposed to be me and my dad and she ended up driving away because I said I wanted to go to the markets with just my dad. I never understood why she would get angry with me for not embracing her as my stepmother but when I started calling her mum she would get uncomfortable and say ‘I’m not your mum, I’m your friend.’ I could never do anything right by her and she would often glare at me for no reason.

When I moved out I thought she would be happy because she said that I was the problem in her relationship with my dad and leaving would just make them happier. I wanted my freedom and I didn’t want to feel like a burden anymore (even though I wasn’t). Instead she made a big scene about how I deleted her from Facebook. She said ‘You’ve disowned me so now I’m disowning you.’ My dad was protective of her and that was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. When my father put his girlfriends needs before mine. He was supposed to protect his child but instead he tried to protect the very person that was abusing his child in that moment. Last time I spoke to my dad he still protected her but not in the same way. He didn’t deny what I was saying about her and instead tried to shame me by suggesting I was holding a grudge when all I wanted was an apology from her.

After having a series of toxic relationships I’m glad to say that the relationship I have with my husband is the complete opposite to this kind of relationship. My husband and I have our own interests and even though I’m not a sporty person like my husband, I go to games with him. I wouldn’t go to a game alone. I take enjoyment seeing my husband happy and in his element. My husband isn’t arty but he goes to exhibitions with me and supports my interests. Keiron and I have never made up common interests, we just click. We are both nerdy and we were prior to the relationship and we both enjoyed Seinfeld and Frasier before we got together and now we watch those shows together as well as on our own sometimes. I think it’s healthy to have natural common interests as well as things not in common. Having differences of interests isn’t divisive. If you really love a person you may not love all their interests but you will enjoy being around them when they pursue their individual interests because you love to see them happy. Also if your partner has different interests you should encourage them. You don’t own them and it’s important that your partner has a life outside of you and vice versa.