The Overbearing Abusive Mother

 

When I was growing up my father had a very co-dependant relationship with his mother. I saw that he had little faith in his ability to make decisions for me. I often felt saddened by this. When my father and I were close I had wished he didn’t turn to his mother or girlfriends as I truely believed he was capable of making his own decisions and I think if he had trusted his intuition more, he would of made good decisions. Most of my father’s failures as a parent was due to the fact that he trusted the wrong people in life.

Now I would never excuse my father for his abuse and bad parenting but I do think it’s important to be aware of the whole situation I grew up in as a bid to have a deeper understanding of intergenerational trauma. My father and my uncle would often suffer at the hands of an overbearing and very controlling mother. I didn’t see this growing up as I thought my father was the only problem when I was moving out and I thought I was escaping abuse moving into my grandmothers house only to find the source of my dad’s controlling behaviour.

When I lived with my grandmother I found it very hard to move out and the only reason why my father was able to move out is because he did it in secret when my grandmother was out. My father says that he had a great time growing up with his mum but when we were all holidaying in Perth my father had told me that the only way to deal with my grandmothers anger was to pretend it didn’t happen. According to my dad this was the only way to move past her anger and get along again. When we were in Perth my grandmother was angry she didn’t get her way. She was use to having control over everyone on holidays and she didn’t like that no-one was getting up as early as her. My grandmother’s behaviour at this time created a rift between my dad, his girlfriend and his mum.

Through this rift my grandmother seemed believe me that I was being abused even though I wasn’t behaving in the way she wanted at the time of the Perth holiday. I was talking about reconnecting with her sworn enemy and the families favourite scapegoat, my ex stepmother. I should of seen this argument with my grandmother was a red flag but it’s easy to ignore red flags when it’s family.

In the past when my grandmother visited on holidays she bought us a tonne of groceries. This made my dad angry as he felt like she was undermining his independence. I can understand why this was frustrating for him. It was often clear she didn’t like it when he made decisions she wouldn’t make and was very threatened by my dad going to his girlfriends for advice over hers. She also didn’t make an effort with his ex wife when they were together and told her that if he married her that she would never speak to him again. It was clear that my dad was trying to be independent but my grandmother would always undermine his efforts.

It’s clear that my dad felt undermined and belittled by the older women in his life and instead of challenging their ways, it was clear that controlling me was the only way he would feel agency over his own life. But instead of giving in, I took control over my own life which made him feel powerless again. I always use to think taking away the illusion of his own power from him (me) would make him start to do the work on himself so he could access his true power and autonomy. This didn’t work because whenever I would talk to him again he would lie about having changed and eventually try his usual tricks on me again (silent treatment, gaslighting, trying to withhold my property) and I would again cut contact.

It was easy to see my father’s potential because I loved him but when I did that I was taking responsibility for his brokenness because I could see my own past powerlessness in him. I wanted to rescue him. Although I know that Walk Everyday May might anger them and they might see me telling these stories as hurtful, that is not my intention. My intention is to expose abusive behaviour to help myself, others and abusers that may want to change. It is not my responsibility to get my father help although I wish he would. If my father seeks true help as a result of my event, blog, interviews, videos etc than I would be very happy for him. It’s not my responsibility to change him and I do not wish to seek revenge. All I want for my father is healing and happiness but being in contact with him will never achieve that because it’s like giving heroin back to a herion addict and vice versa. 

Keeping contact cut is an ongoing process and I know that if I speak to my father I will resort back to my damaged angry self. It’s important to understand the cycle so we can heal. Domestic Family Violence is a larger social issue and I use my experience to inspire change that is far bigger than me. I wish everyone happiness healing and freedom the way I achieve this daily :)