The Unrealised Trauma of my Fathers Current Girlfriend (Repost From WEDM 2022)


Many people have an idea in their mind as to what an abuser looks like and acts like. Unfortunately this stereotype allows for much worse abusers to fall under the radar.

When I was a teen my father walked right from his divorce into a relationship with a stranger. This stranger was someone he met not in person, not online but through an unpopular dating fad called phone dating. 


Once my dad started with this fad he was on the phone every night. I barely saw him and I was left entirely alone and unsupported during the loss of my stepmother. When I finally met my dad’s new partner I was fooled. I felt uncomfortable but I also thought she was nice. She gave me the impression that she was gentle, shy and independent. But once I got to really know her I was told by her that I was negative (when I was going through clinical depression) and she got my dad and I into self help books that had no real substance.


Eventually I started to see that there was a nasty vindictive and selfish person under her quiet nice facade. She would constantly tell me I was selfish because I wouldn’t give in to everything she wanted (and she wanted it all). When I was asked if she could move in with my dad and I, when I had no real therapy over my dads divorce and no offer of time or adjustment, I said I wasn’t ready for her to move in with us. To this my dad’s response was that I was selfish and I was coerced in letting her stay with us.


When she lived with us she assumed a leadership role. If I had a problem with her I would be confronted by both my dad and her in a forceful and aggressive way. They had no respect for my boundaries or when I was ready to talk and she would even argue with me the night before I had an important exam.


I was bullied into silence talking about her abuse and whenever I would bring it up I was gaslight by both my father and his girlfriend. They would even get friends and family members to gaslight me about her behaviour as well. If I tried to escape to my room, I had to hold the door shut because she would try to barge into my room.

It got so bad that I couldn’t spend time with my dad without his girlfriend being present and when she moved into the granny flat that was promised to me when I turned 18 I ended up living in the family house alone. At first my father would say hello then go to her place then come home to bed. Then he would go straight to her place without saying hello, eventually he was basically living there and wouldn’t come back in the house to go to bed.


Yesterday I realised that I didn’t really talk about the abuse my father’s girlfriend did to me and that it’s an unrealised trauma. I was gaslit so many times that even to this day I sometimes get confused as to what happened. The psychological abuse by my dads girlfriend was so bad that it’s mostly buried and when I thought I saw her yesterday I freaked out. I was even triggered by an asmr video which normally calms me down.


In conclusion not all abusers act and look the same. Sometimes someone who comes across as lovely gentle and kind is an abuser and the abusers who can blend in the most are the worst kind because people doubt the victim more when the abuser appears to be kind. Never doubt the victim. If you are unsure, wait until you find our more but if the victim has never lied about someone being an abuser before than your most likely dealing with a toxic positive abuser. This kind of severe psychological abuser is what I would call the chameleon, because they can play the role of someone nurturing without being authentically nurturing.


As for me, I will be talking more about my dad’s girlfriend and this type of abuser and I will be working through this trauma so that my dads girlfriend can no longer scare me. She no longer has the power to ruin my life but she does have the power to ruin my fathers life because her actions have made it so that my father misses out on his daughters wedding and his daughters future. She may have taken all she can from me in the past but she can’t take away my present because right now I have realised my personal power and I’m not letting people who disrespect me into my life.


***If this has been an issue for you or brought up past issues you may have call 1800 RESPECT***

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