This Event I Went To Was Confusing Because I've Changed





Recently I've been attending a group where I feel like I belong so much, it's like being the last piece of a puzzle and clicking into place. Although my last university was great I have never felt this sense of belonging before. I think it's also a sign that I am on the right path in life.

So I went to this one off event by another organisation. Lately I've been feeling more confident so I became acutely aware that my posture was hunched and I didn't know what to do with my hands. The Facilitator of the group made me feel like I had attended a lecture and not a workshop and their humour would of normally left me in stitches but my mind and body did this weird thing. It sounded funny in theory but I couldn't laugh. Because I wasn't chiming in with laughter I smiled out of politeness because I was standing out and I felt like if I didn't smile, that the facilitator might have brought attention to the fact that I wasn't stroking his ego by not breaking out in big belly laughs.

I left the workshop feeling confused and uncomfortable. Luckily a friend of mine was in the group and they told me why they didn't feel comfortable in that group. Maybe I disassociated, I don't know but my friend made me realise that I didn't laugh because I've grown so much that offensive and lazy humour doesn't register as funny to me anymore. I've grown so much that I've found this kind of moment where the old me would of been in stitches and even would of been attracted to the facilitator but the new me found the facilitator egotistical and insensitive. I was also worried that if I laughed at all that it would send the wrong message to the facilitator. I was worried he would take my laughter as interest but at the same time I couldn't laugh anyways.

I think the moment reminded me of when I was young and naive and fell for an unfunny comedian due to extreme loneliness from extreme neglect at home. When I look back at that time I can see why I was attracted to someone that seemed funny as I was often depressed but I don't think it was real attraction. It was definitely limerence and although people change, I think if I wasn't so lonely and neglected, I would not of been attracted to him and I would of been mildly entertained by his routine. I'm not being nasty I’m just pointing out that limerence makes us see things in a person that are not there. I do value humour but I didn't really find this person funny and when we are being abused we are attracted to people who are showing us the same kind of emotional unavailability as our parents. We are trying to escape from the abuse instead of move on from it and thats the difference between then and now.

Now I am married, loved, appreciated and I have nothing to do with my abusers. The kinds of friendships I keep are better, my husband is emotionally available to me as I am to him and my progressive knowledge of the world makes me able to tell the difference between a damaging offensive joke with a progressive playful one. I also pay more attention to my intuition and trust it. If I don't feel comfortable in a group over the space of an hour, I wont feel comfortable over months or years. If I instantly feel belonging in a group and the nervousness naturally dissipates then I will enjoy further involvement with that group. 

I do think I disassociated with that workshop to an extent. I think my mind often automatically protects itself at times. Maybe this is because I have been doing dream therapy to deal with traumatic flashback dreams. I'm not having much flashback dreams anymore. Often when I get triggered I have a dream that deals with that trigger and makes me feel at peace with that moment in my past. It separates the trigger from my present and I'm able to move on faster. Working with the subconscious is a very powerful tool for healing. It's like having your mind work with your healing as a friend rather than foe. It's strange at first but whenever you get used to it, it really helps you live your life to the fullest.

If you are interested in dream therapy, ask your psychologist about different types and what might work for you. You can be proactive in your healing and have your therapist be like a highly qualified healing assistant. You have the power to save yourself. 


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