I Say Goodbye To My Father Every Day.

 

I didn’t just say goodbye to my father one day and that’s it. I have to say goodbye to my father continually, again and again, every time I cry and I happen to be alone, I have to fight every childlike instinct I have, not to pick up the phone.

Just the other day I was crying, calling 1800 Respect telling them how I was feeling so low, I felt my usual urge to call my father. I was vulnerable and a mess. The counsellor on the phone didn’t discourage me but she didn’t encourage me either. It’s a delicate issue and a hard position to be in on both sides. Ultimately the decision was mine but I was being honest with how I felt. She said ‘If you want to talk to your father it’s probably best you do it when your not vulnerable because calling him right now could make you feel worse.’ I then told her that whenever I’m not vulnerable I don’t want to speak to him. That was confirmation that calling 1800 Respect instead of my father was the right decision. 

I know now after years of trying and trying that speaking to my father was not worth it. If I felt like my father would actually listen to me, respect me, genuinely support me and was willing to heal the hurt he had caused me so much of my life, then not being vulnerable would make me call him. The only time my father was an ongoing part of my life was when I was child and in a way that says it all too. Good parents never lose touch with their adult children, well at least for the most part.

Often the prospect of becoming a mother and my ongoing healing is what keeps me from contacting my father. I know that my father would psychologically and emotionally abuse my children, maybe not so much in their younger years but definitely in their individuating years and I also know he will try to poison my children’s minds against me.

So what did I do at the end of that call to 1800 Respect? I googled my feelings. I then found an article that helped me think rationally about my father. Patrick Teahan also says that we tend to love the potential of our parents. It’s our inner child only seeing the good and forgetting that abusive parents make a choice to be abusive and continue to be abusive. They may have been good to you once but if they don’t change and pretend they have changed they know what you want them to be and pretend to change so they can suck you in and abuse you all over again. At the end of the day it’s always our decision and figuring it out is a long and arduous process but I know that despite my similarities to my father, I can never be an abusive person and I choose to continue to move forward in my healing. I know that I will be back to step one again if I speak to him and he would also try and convince me to stop Walk Everyday May which will hurt more people than just me.

So this Fathers Day may be hard not to contact an abusive Father but you have options. You can try to mend your relationship with your father (which you have every right to, it’s complicated when it’s family violence) or you can attend my Fathers Day Walk Everyday May Live and be supported by someone who wants to see you grow, heal and bloom into the person you were always meant to be. A good thing is that it doesn’t cost anything to attend. Just have a good internet connection (or go where there’s free wifi) and you can join in.

Click the link below to find our Facebook Page;

Walk Everyday May Links

For now take care of yourself and Thankyou for reading my blog on Family Domestic Violence :)

Xx Aria