We Need To Talk About Abuse In Disability Care

 

Lately, I have been writing some articles in this blog that are of the third person to reach more people in the domestic violence victim/survivor demographic. So I have a friend who has a disability and they tell me that they keep getting NDIS workers who are abusive toward them. This person, let's call her B, has experience with family violence also and even with her prior knowledge about emotional abuse she didn't realise it was happening until this NDIS worker had already done damage. I told her I would write this article for her so that she could break the silence anonymously. Here is what she had to say about the matter:

I've been struggling to make friends for a while. I've had a lot of life changes and I thought this worker might help me make friends and help me get out of my comfort zone. Instead, she helped me make enemies and that includes her. She gained my trust immediately as she showed an interest in my past and my commitment to healing. She would text me after hours and if I didn't reply immediately she would text me asking if I was ok. She then told me about her problems at home and that she experienced family abuse as well. She would often blur the lines between professional and personal. She'd get me to do mental health activities and she would help me get to my appointments so because she was often nice, it confused me.

 Occasionally she would embarrass me by making jokes that we were a lesbian couple. Then one day I mentioned to her that I wanted to start a social group. My husband and I had discussed it and decided that I wasn't ready for it because I had a lot on my plate already. I told her this and she pressured me into contacting a council official about it. Then when we had a social group meeting everyone was disrespectful toward me. Another member there who I thought was my friend took over running the meeting. I was not feeling confident and  I lied to her saying I was okay with her facilitating the group because I was already uncomfortable and overwhelmed by the situation. Everyone in the group wasn't happy with the time we initially set it to and everyone in the room pressured me into changing the time even though they knew I was uncomfortable with it. One of the ladies even told my friend who was taking over 'You have to go with majority rules.' It was my idea and I was already being treated like my presence wasn't necessary because I was clearly a 'minority' in the group. I ended up pulling out from the group and my so-called friend was nasty to me about it my social carer didn't stand up for me and it appeared she was on my so-called friend's side.

The whole experience of the social group and its disaster made me depressed for two weeks. I would ruminate about it over and over so I thought maybe I was just unwell. Anyway, I withdrew from my social carer and she was fired. I was so confused about my decision still because she seemed so nice. She had been my carer for several months and I didn't realise how attached I had become to her and I thought it was my fault. So I met up with her later and we agreed to just be friends but there was a clear shift in our relationship. I told her how I felt about her trying to get me to not disclose anything about my condition to anyone. I often disclose little bits, the parts of my condition that most people would have experienced with the lockdown. My social carer thought I shouldn't disclose it at all. She then told me she wasn't ashamed of me for saying this and that I disclosed to people that I'm Brenda and I have a disability. (Which was gaslighting now that I look back on it). She never apologised for making me feel like she was ashamed of me. Then later I asked her if she would go to an event with me and her response was: Ahm, if it's a job yes. If it's hanging out, not this time coz it's school holiday and I have my two kids with me. Don't get upset, please.

I responded with: Ah ok. Are you struggling financially?

Then she responded with Sort of, I need to work to pay our bills like mortgage & car loans. If I have my own income, I can make my own decisions as well. If you hire me, you hire me because you need to, not because I'm struggling financially.

After that, I sent her an email saying I didn't want to contact her again. I was realising that the week I didn't spend with her I was feeling more myself. My focus had improved. I was feeling less confused and more optimistic. It's been almost 2 days since I stopped speaking to her and already I feel like I'm back to who I was. I think she could have done a lot more damage if I kept in contact with her. She would have pressured me into other big ambitious commitments that I wasn't ready for. I also feel like in the past week my self-esteem and confidence have improved. It was good to make a decision with clarity again.

From what I know about disability care and the NDIS, they need to hire people who have disability qualifications for a start. Having training within the company isn't enough. As someone who has had varying jobs most industries only hire if you have a qualification and if you don't have that qualification you can do traineeships. Some disability workers I have heard about don't even have Mental Health First Aid which should be mandatory but it isn't. I have heard too many horror stories of people with disabilities getting abused by their employed carers. One gentleman was physically abused and his mum contacted the company that hired this person but nothing was done about it. The NDIS is an amazing initiative but because it has the word insurance in it and there's a lot of money in this industry, people get into it just for the money which is exactly what happened to Brenda. 

Just from Brenda's story, it was clear that her social worker was love bombing her, gaslighting her, humiliating her, deliberately crossing her boundaries and it was clear she had control over her.

I think it's important we break down these tactics as emotional abuse is a lot harder to define.

Love Bombing: Love bombing isn't just done in intimate partnered relationships. It can be done in friendships and professional relationships too. The way Brenda's social carer was doing this was texting constantly and asking her if she was ok. This behaviour is designed to create a strong attachment early on so the victim thinks that the abuser really cares about them. This behaviour often creates confusion in victims.

Gaslighting: When Brenda's worker didn't apologise to her for making her feel like she was ashamed of her. Even if this wasn't the social carer's intention she still invalidated her by not apologising and deflected the blame by saying that she was introducing herself as a person with a disability.

Humiliating: Making lesbian jokes about Brenda and setting her up to fail so publicly by forcing her to start a group she knew she wouldn't be able to stick to that commitment.

Crossing Boundaries: Ignoring that Brenda was uncomfortable with starting the group at that time and pushing her to do it anyway.

Control: This was clearly done by getting Brenda to depend on her social carer for too many physical appointments, emotional stimulation and social stimulation. A social carer's job it to support the client in making friends not becoming their only friend. She also shouldn't have been texting her client after hours.

I hope this article helps a lot of people and also inspires the NDIS to improve. We need tighter criteria for disability workers and we need to have more protocols for dealing with abusive workers. Some people who are disabled can't speak up if they are being abused and some are too afraid because of the stigma they experience having a disability.