How The Toxic Family System Encourages Unhealthy Competition

 


With competitive family dynamics, family members are continuously competing with one another. There is a sense of rivalry within the household, as members try to outshine their relatives. This competition could be for many things, such as attention, recognition, or power. — Elizabeth Perry



***Hi Dragonfly’s. I have decided that to protect identities I am calling myself WalkEveryDayMay Dragonfly and everyone who is on this healing journey with me and who supports this event, Dragonfly’s. I feel like this is a beautiful and empowering term for anyone who chooses to heal from Family Domestic Violence and Intergenerational Trauma. I also think it’s a nicer term than survivors/victims and ally’s. We are all united in our fight against Family and Domestic Violence***



The toxic family system often encourages children to compete with each other. This tactic not only damages a child's self-esteem but also damages their relationships within the family. It creates resentment of other relatives if the abusive relatives makes the child feel like they are lesser than their peers. So how do we combat this toxic pattern whilst finding love for ourselves and our siblings/cousins/other relatives?

First of all it’s not fair for us to be compared to anyone and our resistance to external sources doing this is if we ourselves stop comparing ourselves to others. Part of the toxic family wheel is that we can take on toxic habits of family members. It may be easier to fight this if you’ve gone no contact but you can still disagree to this unfair behaviour and adopt a more healthier way of thinking. You can do thousands by adopting the following principles.

1. Only compare yourself to yourself.

If you only compare your current self to your past self rather than comparing yourself to others, you can use comparison as a method of self improvement instead of rivalry between others. Everyone is dealt a different hand and it’s not fair to compare your life to others. 

2. Reject family comparisons.

You can set a boundary with this behaviour by saying that you are an individual and you can only do your personal best by doing better than your past self. You can also state that you will not compete with other relatives for attention and praise and that you validate yourself. Tell them you don’t need their approval to move forward in life.

3. Explain how comparisons with others hurt.

Tell your relative that is encouraging comparisons that you are hurt by this point of view and that it hurts your relationships with family members you’ve been compared to. If they continue this hurtful behaviour you can minimise contact and let them know this is the reason. If the situation doesn’t improve you can go no contact as well.

4. Minimise social media use or be mindful of the accounts you follow.

You can follow social media accounts that promote good mental health and minimise celebrity accounts. Following too many celebrity accounts can adversely affect negative self esteem and lead you to compare yourself with celebrities who are often airbrushed or get plastic surgery. Too much screen time can be bad for mental health also.

Remember you are beautiful and wonderful how you are and you have choices. The more you challenge toxic mindsets the more empowered you become.


Bibliography

https://www.betterup.com/blog/family-dynamics

https://medium.com/family-matters-2/competitive-families-and-damaged-values-6a4347527120

https://courageousparenting.com/episodes/how-a-competitive-spirit-can-destroy-sibling-relationships/

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