Navigating A Death in The Family Whilst in the Midst of A Family Cut Off

 

Hello My Dragonflies, 😊

Life has been serving me so many unexpected curveballs lately. I've been navigating a temporary truce with some members as we grieve whilst I have also been resolving my relationship with my Grannie in what you could say is long distance.

The thing about multigenerational trauma and family estrangement is that it's not all black and white. I made decisions that were right for me and sometimes something unexpected and extremely unfair happens. My Grannie suddenly died. I don't want to say too much about the circumstances in which she died as I want to respect other family members' privacy and I suppose my own because it's irrelevant to this event and blog. I have always tried to write about multiple options people can take and family cut-offs. I also think there are a lot of other options people should try before they come to the decision of a cut-off.

To be honest I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about what I am going through right now and there are some things I have written about my Grannie which were true then and I'm just not sure about publishing these things because I forgive her. I guess I just want to check in with her about a lot of stuff. Anyways that's by the by. Let me take the liberty to explain why Grannie and I stopped talking and how we resolved things being on different planes of existence.

My Grannie and I had a lot of issues with each other on and off but it was complicated. That being said my Grannie also stuck up for me a lot. She even stood up to my father at times when he abused me. Grannie was very protective of me and she also raised me with my father. My dad was a young dad and people often mistook my Grannie as my mother. When I moved away from my dad I moved in with my Grannie. I think we ended up having a lot of issues because my Grannie was used to living alone and she had a constant fear of losing me. So her fear manifested into her clinging onto me, and bossing me around at times. She didn't want to lose me again. (My dad and I lost contact with her for a couple of years and it was excruciatingly painful for her)

So when I started to get really independent all of a sudden she reconnected with my dad to try and get me back into the fold. But the thing was I never moved out of the state and even when we weren't talking I would see her in the crowd and feel comforted that she was ok and still relatively close to me. I never admitted it but I wasn't as successful at cutting my Grannie out as I was with my dad. So when my Grannie got irritated with me complaining about my dad and sprung on me that he had come from NSW to visit, I felt like I had been betrayed. I thought 'What had happened to my rescuer Grannie who always stood up for me to my dad. Who even got a nasty letter from my dad's mother-in-law for how fiercely protective my Grannie was of me?' My Grannie just didn't want to lose me and she didn't want to lose my dad again either.

Honestly being independent and cutting ties in the process is a toxic behaviour in my family that I think needs to stop. It's not good to associate independence with losing a family member. I think this is a lesson my Grannie would want me to learn and to use this platform to expose this kind of behaviour for the benefit of healing. 

Anyway, I had a very stressful time during this Christmas and my Grannie used this as an opportunity to apologise properly. She knows that the word 'sorry' doesn't mean anything to me unless it comes with action. So although I made myself unreachable, my Grannie was able to reach me after she died. She was able to keep my father and my grandfather from telling me the news for two weeks. After which she was gently giving me hints to see if I was ready to know. She knew that if I knew over Christmas, I would have had a breakdown. So after Christmas when I was in my garden, I felt her. I dismissed it as thinking I missed her and it was probably that too but I definitely felt her presence. Then one day my husband and I went to Penrith to find colanders for my garden. (I once planted something in Grannie's garden in a colander and it worked really well) I felt like something wasn't right. I could always feel her when she was alive and now I felt her as if she was disembodied. It's a very slight difference but I definitely could feel when she was alive and well. This time it was like she moved away. I couldn't feel her life force but I felt her spirit. It was strange and I was actually hoping I would bump into her on this particular time that I went to Penrith. I think this is when she knew the time was right because I was actually looking for her.

So when I got home I got a call from a compassionate policeman that my Grannie had passed away. I still think even now my Grannie is helping me healthily manage my grief. She looked after me when I was very sick once and she is still looking after me. I also communicate with her through my mind sometimes. She used to often boss me around and I would tell her "Don't tell me what to do" and she would mock me but since her passing, she keeps saying to me "No one can tell you what to do, You always make up your own mind" and she says this in a kind and accepting way. I think she also says this to me to help me not get upset when people try to tell me what to do. She's reminding me of the power I do have and that no one can take that away from me.

My Grannie has lost the fears she once had in life and has become a purer version of herself. My Grannie was always a warm and loving person. A romantic at heart and a never-stopping mother and grandmother. She was always my role model and because of her strength and independence, I became independent and strong as well. Grannie had a lot of baggage in life that would often come between her relationships but where she is right now, she has been healing all that. Grannie has been healing her intergenerational trauma and the emotional baggage she had in life and I know she is proud of me because I have been working on my own healing in life and I don't let my fears sabotage anything in my life. 

I also feel her apologising for other things. When we were having lots of arguments I thought she was loving me less and less. I think in retrospect she wishes she had told me she still loves me even when we argue. I wish I told her this also but I only just learned this skill. I tell her every day now that I miss her and I love her.

Now I am having to navigate my newfound skill of setting boundaries with my dad and grandad and luckily they have been respecting a lot of my boundaries lately. I'd like to believe my dad has changed but in the circumstances I am in I have let my dad know that I am trying to get pregnant. I don't feel like I owed him this information but I let him know that after my Grannie's funeral, he does have an opportunity to be an active Grandad if he decides to work on healing the rift we have and if I can know for sure that he will not harm my children the way he harmed me.

I never held onto false hope but I did know that people can change. I have met a reformed dad in my lifetime. I also know that holding onto hope that people will change can cause more damage to a person. Sometimes you do need to do a family cut-off if relatives are abusing you and that's not being cruel to that person. It's allowing that person to make the choice to change and while you do a family cut that's when you focus on healing yourself and giving yourself the love that you should have gotten from those family members. Never be sad if family members don't change. I know my mother's side will always be toxic and that's ok. Because you will find others that appreciate you more.

Sometimes intergenerational trauma is just unhealed wounds that fester and not all people with intergenerational trauma are bad, even if they abuse a person because sometimes people act in crazy ways. After all, they are hurting. That's really the takeaway, prevention and reform are the best ways to deal with family violence because the best possible result is when a family can connect. The best possible thing I can do as a family violence activist is to make the word Family mean the purest of love without obligation.