Walk Everyday May's Mantra Is (Expose the Behaviour Not The Person)

 

Hi my Dragonflies 😊

In my last post, I wrote about how I have a temporary truce with my father and grandfather. Now as I write about this I want to make clear that my writing here is not designed to hurt them. This is to help me and others heal from Intergenerational Trauma caused by Family Violence. Initially I thought I would always be writing from the perspective of someone who was continuing with a family cut off and I didn't think there would be any temporary truces. In fact I have been in contact with my father very minimally over the years and for many of those year I held onto hope that he would change and we could heal. Sometimes when I got in contact with relatives I doubted whether the abuse occured because there were relatives who would tell me I was being dramatic or only seeing the negatives but a lot has changed in the past two years that has taught me not to doubt myself but still stay strong in my boundaries and to be prepared for this temporary truce to stay as a temporary truce.

Four important rules to remember about boundaries are:

*It's not my job to fix other people and their problems

*It's okay if other people get angry: I cannot control their emotions

*It's perfectly okay to say no for any reason

*It's not up to me to take responsibility for other people

These rules are especially good to keep in mind. Of course I have always wanted to have contact with relatives but in the past few years I have left it up to my dad and when my dad continued his mistreatment of me, thats when I cut ties with him. Usually it was estrangement that lasted a few years and this recent cut off was supposed to be permanent but by the grace of god my dad has an opportunity to make things right. I have let him know information so he knows that if he continues his mistreatment of me and denying whats really happened in the past then he won't just be missing out on a relationship with me but he will also be missing out on a relationship with his son in law and our future children. It's up to him to change. I can offer him help, I can be honest with him about what I need in my relationship with him but I can't make him change. I've learnt to survive without him and I can continue to live my life without him if I need to. I never wanted to cut ties with my dad deep down. I had to make the decision to look after myself and that often meant keeping my distance from him.

Now when it comes to writing about this stuff. I don't name names and not just for legal reasons. At first I was angry but I still didn't name names. Even when I haven't been angry I have continued this blog for my own healing and others. It's not to destroy anyones life but exposing the behaviour and not the person means that that person has more opportunity to change for the better and for anyone else who can relate and wants to change. I am a glass kind of gitl when it comes to this. I know that there will be times when the glass is full and when the glass is empty and that at the end of the day it doesn't really matter if the glass is full or not, as long as you always have the glass. This is a metaphore for our self care and being prepared for negative and positive circumstances when it comes to your family connections.

Never feel guilty for being honest about how your familys actions affect you. Being honest with your relatives if done well and if that family member wants the same thing will only improve your connection with that family member and if it doesn't improve than your better without them anyway.