Why Do Abuser's Still Try To Manipulate And Confuse You When They Know You've Figured Them Out
Recently I spoke to my father because I wanted to know whether he caught my Grandmother's other cat and whilst speaking to him I thought I would try something that other people suggested I try; Asking him whether he is aware that he practices coercive control. It backfired. My father threw a tantrum saying "Oh I manipulated my mother and brother into loving me...etc." This made me angry because he did actually manipulate my grandmother. He pretends to not know what manipulation is. But you can actually manipulate someone into getting them to love you (It's called a trauma bond) more on that later though. My father actually used the fact that my Grandmother loves him to help him ambush me into getting me to talk to him. (more on that later too, although I may have written a post on this in the past anyway)
My father then kept trying to pin all the blame on me (as to why I have to cut contact and gaslight me when I repeated every toxic thing my dad said to me growing up. He used to call me selfish almost every day and he claims that he 'doesn't remember saying that'. This is clearly a lie because his girlfriend and he actually got two psychologists to tell me that I was apparently selfish. Anyways I should of made him get to the point about the cat sooner as I was getting overwhelmed and he then made me cry. I felt lost and confused afterwards. I then called 1800 RESPECT afterwards and that helped me return to myself and to remind myself that my father was emotionally abusing and manipulating me to punish me for telling the truth and not wanting to talk to him. I also kept saying "We agreed to a temporary truce. What did you expect?"
Upon researching for this article I found more manipulative tactics that my dad uses in which I wasn't aware of. There are a few manipulation tactics that my father used last time I spoke to him, that I wasn't fully aware of. One of these manipulation tactics starts to explain why a manipulator still tries to manipulate even when they know you've figured them out:
-Blaming the Victim for the Abuse
When a victim of emotional abuse speaks up, it’s common for the manipulator to shut it down by convincing them that they’ve done something to earn the emotional manipulation. This often comes down to “You should have known better because of XYZ reasons.” This leaves the victim constantly second-guessing their actions to try and avoid a negative interaction with the manipulator.
This explains why I felt confused during the conversation but my gut instinct kicked in when he said 'See you later' and I said 'Bye'. He told me that was because he was willing to talk later but I kept saying 'Bye' because my intuition took over. He also love-bombed me at the end of the conversation which made me cry. I told him that I wasn't convinced that he loved me. I think my father may have been slightly aware that he was on loudspeaker because he said 'I didn't mean to make you upset' I think blind sighted my dad when I cried. He put it down to the fact that we are both grieving but that wasn't quite why I cried. The loss of my Grandmother at that moment reminded me of the fact that I lost my father when I turned 9 because that's when my father started becoming the abusive monster that he is now. I'm usually numb when I speak to my father but sometimes my strength gives me the illusion of invincibility when I am vulnerable.
Another tactic my father used was:
16. Using Guilt Trips
A manipulator uses guilt trips to change how the victim feels. This could be something along the lines of, “If you decide to go out with your friends tonight, I’m going to feel lonely and sad.” The manipulator’s long-term goal is to convince you not to do that thing again in the future without discussing it with them first.
My father used the fact that I kept cutting contact with him to paint himself as the victim whilst not even bothering to acknowledge why I wouldn't trust him enough to keep in contact. Every time I brought up the reasons why he would say 'Oh that's for legal reasons' or 'I never said that' or 'You're putting words in my mouth' to continue to make me doubt myself. I kept to my beliefs and when I didn't fall for his manipulation tactics he read the last text that I sent him back to me and then I said 'Yep! That's what I said' I think this would have really made my father mad because he was trying to make me feel guilty for sending him that message and instead I stood by it.
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