Why I Won’t Let My Father Break Up My Other Family Relationships Again

 


Hi  My Dragonflies,



Since attending my Grannie’s funeral I learnt something important. I realised that the reason why I cut my entire fathers side out of my life was due to my father getting involved in all my family relationships. He would press them for information about me such as my phone number, my address etc and he would even try to get them to try and get me to make contact with him. When an abuser does this to a person, the person used in this way is usually referred to as Flying Monkeys. But I feel like this is due to our overuse of the word narcissism. I think intergenerational trauma is more complicated and I now realise that my father has manipulated some family members to suit his agenda when it comes to me and I realise now that there are a lot of unwilling victims in my family that did not wholeheartedly side with my father.

Now I am not going to mention names of biological family I am in contact with for their own protection. The only person I can mention is my Grannie and you can’t manipulate a spirit unless you’re getting heavily involved in dark magic (and I seriously doubt my dad would do this). So I have got back in contact with some family because I know they genuinely love me and care about me now and I respect that they have a relationship with my father. It’s a slightly different situation for them and I respect that just as they now respect that being in touch with my father is dangerous for me. I wish that I hadn’t let my dad come between my Grannie and I in the last 5 years of her life but I do know now that she is with me in spirit and I feel her love often. 

Another thing I have learnt is that my father intentionally tries to push my buttons. I use to react a lot and I have let my bio relatives know how much I have practiced restraint when I had a temporary week long truce with my father. I have learnt that my dad does this intentionally and he does his best to make it look like I am the problem in the family. I know that if I react to him pushing my buttons it will be easier for him to make me look like the problem in the family. As long as I have been diplomatic and assertive and continue to be the better person then it exposes my dad for who he is and he is not able to get away with anything when I continue to keep my composure.

The last conversation I had was a proud moment for me. He was trying to push my buttons but I remained diplomatic, emotionally distant and assertive. I asked him why he wasn’t more practical such as; why didn’t he get a hotel near Grannies place at least for the night before the funeral? Why he didn’t stay in a hotel closer to Grannies so he would have to work on finalising Grannies flat some more while my Uncle and my Aunty had to go back to their place overseas due to work commitments. These were my valid points when he complained about his 3 hours sleep before the funeral because he chose to stay at his Dads place which is 2-3 hours train ride away from Grannies place. Then he condescendingly tried to give me advice, “Can I give you a suggestion?” I replied “Um……No.” my dad then responded “Are you having a joke?” then I said “No. I can figure it out!” I was trying to make it clear to my father diplomatically that I have survived most of my adulthood without him. I have moved house, had miscarriages, got an avo against a neighbour, managed to take my criminal grandmother (mums, mum) to court, completed my degree, got married etc. all without his help. I was standing up for the fact that I’m more than capable without his influence in my life and now other family members know that when I am in contact with my dad I struggle to be more capable.

So to conclude I know it’s easy to use the word narcissist but not all who seem to be doing a narcissists bidding is a narcissist or an enabler. Those people are often being manipulated because they want peace in the family and I don’t blame them. It is painful when one family member acts in the way that my father and his girlfriend does. But I am going to do my best to prove to them that I am not the problem and that it’s not my fault that my father and I can’t be in contact. It’s because my father continues to make bad choices that he would rather me suffer the consequences for. But I will not let my fear of my father ruin my other family relationships and now that I am better at setting boundaries I know I can cope if he somehow does get any of my information. I also know that if he does try to contact me I can go to the police like I did in October when he followed one of my YouTube channels (and then later pretended like it was an accident.) 

I will hold me head up high, I will not let my father turn me into a bad person, I will keep my composure and my diplomacy whenever needed and he will be exposing himself because I will not be mirroring his behaviour, my actions will be holding the mirror up to him; which he will have no choice but to run from.

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