Why Victims Of Abuse Are Often Misunderstood As The Problem

 


Hi My Dragonflies,


Something I was reminded of when I had my temporary truce with my father was how I felt being a victim of his abuse. As a society, we have a preconception of what a victim of abuse should look like and how they should feel but it is not a feeling of vulnerability and sadness for most. Some feel that way but most don't.

When you're being raised by abusive parents you do not feel sad and helpless all the time. You are living in flight or fight mode and are always angry. As a teenager being abused fed my teen angst. As an adult who has been free from abuse for a lot of her adulthood, it's an anger that feels awful. I don't know how I survived this kind of anger but when you've gone from thriving to all of a sudden having to survive and grieve, the anger is overwhelming and you just want to run from it.

When you're raised by abusive parents you are not taught how to deal with your anger healthily especially because all you see from your parents is that they are dealing with their anger in a destructive way that ends up hurting you. Victims can express themselves in varying ways but I would definitely be suspicious of a victim who presents in all the ways that society expects them to because abuse is a messy process that messes people up and perpetrators often paint themselves as the victims.

I had to make the temporary truce very temporary as I could see that my dad made surviving my grief impossible. I contacted the lawyers of my Grannie's Will directly and my father directed them to say that I was not in it at all. My father is clearly acting out once again because he didn't get his way. Again the anger popped up making me feel awful. Even if I'm not in the will I don't think my Grannie did it hurtfully. My father could have manipulated her or she probably just chose for her sons to have her estate equally. Either way, it made me feel like shit. My father thinks he's getting his way again by being the executor of my Grannie's will but he's not. Yeah, I feel awful but I know that my karma is clean and that his is not.

My dad thinks that my only way of finding out for sure is to contact him and reinstate the truce so he can play pretend 'good daddy' again. I would rather get nothing, not even a mention in Grannie's will than have to spend my birthday with my abusive father and my abusive stepmother. I have so much to be grateful for in life and I would rather grieve in a healthy harmonious way than have to be around my father. It's hard enough not to react to him pushing my buttons and I'd rather go back to my peaceful existence where my dad isn't and be happy that I at least have some of my biological family back in my life again. I would rather have more loving and genuine people in my life than money or a mention. I also think having some of her money would be hard for me. Money isn't so precious when someone dies (At least not to me). Having Grannie's garden has been better for me and healing. It's a part of her that lives on and grows with her presence and absence. It's like a piece of her that lives on.

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