My Dad Thinks I Hate Him But That's Because He Thinks Getting His Way Is Love.

 

Hi Dragonflies,

I think there are a lot of people that are scared of my father and I know there were people who gave up setting boundaries with my father because he would withhold love from them for setting boundaries with him. The truth is I am the only one brave enough to set boundaries with my father and It's true I don't feel close to my father and I dread the thought of spending time with him but that doesn't mean that I don't love him.

The contradictory circumstances is that my father is also my abuser so I often feel two things at once. Most of the time I feel anger and hurt but that still doesn't mean the absence of love. It just means that the only way I can feel love for my father is when he is not a part of my life. I don't miss him like I would other people but it is possible to be strong and still feel love for someone abusive. It takes a lot of learning and soul searching but I am not ignorant to the fact that there is love at the bottom of all these surface emotions I feel. The takeaway is that my love for myself has become greater with distance and I am fully aware that seeing my father conflicts with my ability to love myself.

So I choose myself over my relationship with my father because I need to look after myself and my father will never care about what's best for me. He wants a one-sided relationship that only benefits him, his girlfriend and his father. So I can't feel the same love for my father that I feel for others because it comes at too far a cost to my own wellbeing. Once I learned to trust myself and my ability to set boundaries I was able to let go of a level of anger that hurts me. Some see this as forgiveness but I see it as letting go. I can't allow my father to be a part of my life but I wish him well. I think it's more accepting him as he is than forgiveness. I see that he is incapable of change and that it's not my responsibility to get him to change so I let him go from my life and I focus on myself and my family.

I also feel that people who wish my father and I could have a relationship are people who are having trouble accepting my father as the person he has chosen to become. It's not always possible or natural for a child to continue to have a relationship with their parent as an adult. But this isn't the most important relationship of your life when you become an adult. As you learn to love yourself you find that you become easy to love by others and therefore you accumulate other close relationships that become more important than your parents. i.e.: Friendships, Spouses, Children and other healthier Family relationships. I've let go of my father and I feel like it's time for others to let go of the idea of me and my father having a relationship because it's not going to happen and I'm not sad or sorry anymore. I've moved on and I hope that others can move on too.

I am happy to continue to write about this topic to help others heal but outside of that I am beyond the struggle and I am thriving in my life. I have my own little immediate family, the family I have married into and the few biological relatives that I have managed to have healthy relationships with. My cup is full and I think that's important for people to see. We can't always get what we originally wanted but we will always get what we need and to me, that's the meaning of abundance.