How I Braved Family Functions Despite My Father Being There

 Hi Dragonflies,

So I went to Queensland recently for my Grannie's ashes (as they were being taken up there) and a memorial service for her. I knew my dad was going to be up there and I was also aware that I needed to prepare myself in how to handle my father. Initially I thought I would use a technique called Yellow rock* instead of Grey rock* as I thought it would be nicer for the rest of my family. 

I realised that I wasn't being as compassionate to myself to expect that from myself. When I see my father, I don't see a dad anymore. I see an abuser because that's all he was and all he continued to be. No-one would expect someone to be kind to their rapist for social ettiquette so the fact that I couldn't say 'Hi, How are you?' to my emotionally and psychologically abusive father is understadable. I wasn't nasty or cruel to him. I just avoided him wherever possible and if he did talk to me in front of people I would only say 'yep' or 'okay'. At one point he tried to force me to clink glasses with him (as we were doing a toast) I clinked glasses with everyone else and as he made it obvious I wasn't clinking glasses with him, I pretended to do it by moving my glass in his direction briefly then pulling it back. The glass didn't touch his but it went in his direction briefly. 

At one point he and his girlfriend tried to chat with Keiron and then I spoke to him in private asking him to ignore them. As I spoke with Keiron in private I noticed that his girlfriend snuck past to try and hear what we were saying but I honestly didn't care if she heard or not. If she is aware that I am warning people then good. She will know that I am not scared of them and that I am not falling for their bullshit. Later I forgot my bag and my aunt was asked to go and get it. My dad intercepted and then grapped my bag instead which made me very mad. But I didn't say anything at the time.

On a couple of occassions I noticed that my dad and his girlfriend were looking at me, trying to get some emotional response. I refused to give them any response. They may have seen me smile but that smile wasn't directed at them. I didn't even give them a dirty look although his girlfriend tried to give me one but she may have been caught as she made the look more mild as opposed to the nasty looks she use to give me as a child.

So on the last night we were there I pulled my dad aside with my husband and asked him to leave us alone. He then said "I don't know what you're talking about." (My tone was gentle and assertive. I wasn't whispering but I had my voice at a low volume.) I then used the example of how he fetched my bag when Nuch was asked to get it. I then said to him to treat Keiron and I like strangers as we are here for the rest of the family and not him and his girlfriend. A few times he raised his voice a bit and said that he didn't know what I was talking about. He didn't want the rest of the family to see him lose his shit at me so he said 'Got it' or something like that in a tone that was clear it was restrained contempt. 

It was after this that I realised that I had more power in these kinds of situations than I realised. In the past my dad and his girlfriend would ambush me and try to argue with me. This time I had Keiron with me as support so I wasn't facing him alone. Keiron saw a bit of my dads bad side so I think he was backed into a bit of a corner where he couldn't play pretend good dad. It was after this that my dads girlfriend tried to give me a dirty look but as they would play the victim around others, she gave me a pretended wounded look and I didn't care. I just saw how powerless they were to hurt me and control me this time. It's taken me 34 years to even be able to do this but I have no qualms reminding my dad of my boundary and telling him to leave me and my husband alone.

At the moment my dad, his girlfriend and my aunt and uncle are still in queensland. My uncle and aunt should be back by Wednesday but my dad may be back before that. Still I will be visiting my aunt and uncle when I get back. I will write more about how I handle keeping my boundaries with my dad when he is around family I am spending time with. 

Seeyou again soon Dragonflies.

**The yellow rock method is a spin on the grey rock method. It involves adding some niceties to grey-rock communication. Its name comes from the idea that a yellow rock appears friendlier, warmer and more inviting than a grey rock.

**Grey rocking, or the grey rock method, is a tactic people may use to deal with abusive or manipulative behaviour. It involves becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest. Some people anecdotally report that it reduces conflict and abuse.