My Parent's At One Time Made Me Believe The Falsehood That My Entire Biological Family Was Toxic

 

Hi Dragonflies,

When I stopped talking to my Grannie I assumed that my entire father's side of the family was toxic. I do feel bad about this but I do know that it had a lot to do with my father. At the time I didn't understand how he was the way he was. I was aware that my mother's side was abusive (except my Big Gran and my Brother who passed) but having some difficulties with my Grannie at the time and then her going into denial about my father's abuse scared me to the point where I thought I was in danger from my entire father's side. I thought my Grannie would never take my father's side. As someone who has lost two children, I do feel like my Grannie went into denial because she missed her son and thought it was easier to try and get me to make up with my father, rather than deal with the real issues Grannie and I were having. I am only mentioning this for context as I forgive my Grannie and I forgive myself for not talking to her for all those years. I felt betrayed by Grannie and I couldn't trust her back then which is pretty understandable. I wish we could have worked things out when she was alive but we have a good relationship now in spirit and I need to keep focusing on that positive.

So anything I theorised on about other family members was purely because people make mistakes and having some minor dysfunction with relating to others is part of our journey of growth. I'm not perfect. My father taught me nothing about setting and respecting healthy boundaries and when I was a young adult I went through my Uncle's phone. I'm not proud of it but I have learnt from this dysfunction because it's not something I would do now. I respect my Uncle's boundaries now and everyone else's for that matter. But the biggest improvement is that I've learnt to respect my own boundaries and I've learnt how to set them respectfully which is so empowering for me right now.

After I reconnected with more biological family recently I found that my father's behaviour comes from being too close with his father. My Grandfather is also abusive in a similar way to my father and he doesn't know how to be faithful to his girlfriends. There was one family member I spoke with recently who figured out that my disappearing act had something to do with my father and this was a person I had only been friends with on Facebook. She is an absolutely lovely lady and very empathetic. It was so liberating that someone had an inkling as a lot of family still seem hurt and confused about my disappearing for 5 years. It was like drowning in an Ocean, and no one can see but suddenly one person see's you and calls the lifeguard. It felt lighter on me that I could peacefully confide in a family member without getting them to take sides. Getting people to take sides is not my deal and even though Grannie had that was a bit different. Grannie witnessed some of the abuse by my father and protected me from a lot from it. Anyways it only takes that one person to see your struggle in order to get help.

I've learnt a lot these past few weeks. I've learnt that I'm not alone in my biological family. I've learnt that there are a lot of family members that I have lots in common with and that my Grannie's gene pool is a really good one because there are a lot of kind-hearted and driven people in Grannie's family. I also met new biological family so my family circle has grown again and that makes me feel stronger. It was worth spending a lot of our savings on the trip and my husband got lots out of it too.

So to conclude I have always been right about my father and my father's girlfriend being abusive but the rest of my Grannie's family are wonderful people. Yes I still have some abusive biological family but it's not my Grannie's side that's for sure. I also felt these 5 years were really good for my own self development but It was also somewhat of an interesting social experiment and I would like to write more on that later. I know that I feel stronger and more secure and I think my biological family is a bit more unconventional for me. The reason being is that I know I will continue to not have a relationship with my father, his girlfriend and my grandad's side of the family. I also want nothing to do with my mother and her side.

So I won't be having any of my parents involved in my life still, but now that I have my Grannie's side, my biological family life wont be typical but it will be more loving, rewarding and interesting and now I feel like I have a lot more to offer my future children. I also may be lucky in this respect but I still feel passionate about doing this event and providing love and support for those who have been emotionally orphaned due to coming from toxic family systems. I am still your ally and I am still healing alongside with you.