#1 In A Neglectful Parents Playbook: 'You Never Learnt How To Self Soothe'

 

Hi Dragonflies,

When I used to go to my father when I was upset as an adult and confided in him with my struggles he would always say, "You never learned to self-soothe!" For a long time I partly believed in what he said and wondered what was wrong with me. It wasn't until I lived with my husband that I started to realise that if this were true (which it is not) then why is the blame put on me? It is the job of the parent to teach a child to self soothe and instead my father neglected me whenever I needed him and when I turned to him on the rare occassions as an adult he would use this line on me so he didn't have to help me and so he could deflect blame. He knew that I struggled so much as ann early adult because of his failure to really be there for me and to teach me how to be independant. I was naturally independant to some degree but my enjoyment of being independant came from not having to be around my father.

I was often upset that my father didn't make time for me when I was a child and when I did work experience with my dad at his work I felt suffocated and annoyed. Nowadays I often realise that not having my father around is a blessing. I never got the father I deserved so although it isn't good that he's neglectful, he wouldn't know how to give me space even if his life depended on it.

Recently after my Grannie died I started to see that my father's statement "You never learned how to self-soothe" was really about him and not about me. I have often been given feedback on how great I am at self-soothing. I have been told that I am very resourceful. The things I have been commended on are calling numbers like Lifeline, griefline and 1800Respect whenever I am in a crisis situation when I need to talk to someone immediately. I also write, create art, walk, listen to music, read, drink calming teas and have a shower or bath, just to name a few. These are the self-soothing techniques that I self learnt, or learned from teachers and not from my father. 

My father also knows that I needed to find out a month later about my Grannie due to Christmas being too hectic a time for me to find out. My uncle did not complain about me learning later and from a cop. But later my father complained and said how hard it was for him not to be able to tell me for that whole month and he made me feel guilty for saying I needed to distance myself from him again. I do find it hard that I can't grieve with family at times as I have a lot of families overseas and interstate but just recently I found a way in which I can heal and honour my Grannie (which I won't mention here because for now, I want to keep this private). My father seems to be the one who all of a sudden needs me because now he's found something his girlfriend can't fully empathise with. (Both her parents are still alive) and my Grannie was the only constant mum I had. All of a sudden my father needs me. He expects me to be there for him even though when I said I felt obligated to comfort him he said "Don't feel obligated" even though it's clear that this is what he expects of me. I feel like this is an example that he doesn't truly know how to self-soothe and he heavily depends on his partner for safety and identity and now he is trying to depend on me. Maybe he was trying to depend on me all along because he doesn't know how to feel confident and assertive within himself and trying to control me and feel like an authority figure over me makes him feel like he has some kind of real power in his life.

What he doesn't think about is that I lost him years ago. He neglected me and I have been estranged from him most of my adulthood. Now I have lost my Grannie too. In a sense, I have been orphaned and my father still has his father. Sure I am someone who would understand more fully how special Grannie was and what a nurturing mother she is. But the thing is that my Father has other people who could understand how he feels and he never made an effort to be close to them. He didn't make an effort to be close to me either but the only reason why he wants to turn to me is because I was a constant in his life. The only difference is that those 20 years that I lived with my father weren't my choice. The sad thing is that a big part of me wants to be there for him but the part of me that knows my self-worth is the part that is successfully protecting me right now.