Selfish Is The Lie They Tell You So They Can't Be Held Accountable
You're so selfish.When you stand up for yourself, they may say this to make you feel badly about having self-respect. They are experiencing a narcissistic injury and are trying to devalue you in order to get you in line with their expectations.
Hi Dragonflies,
Recently I have learned that I am not the only one that my dad and his girlfriend mistreats. I won't go into detail though as I respect this person's privacy but It has helped me realise more that my father's treatment isn't really personal as this is a pattern of behaviour he has. I will say though that my dad did mistreat my Grannie many times and even prevented her from seeing me for a couple of years after she discovered that he beat me when I was 9 years of age.
So there are 3 other people that I am aware of that my dad mistreats. I am also aware that he has labelled someone else as selfish who did not deserve it, apart from myself. The fact that my dad and his girlfriend labelled me as selfish many times has been something I often think about and it took me a long time to realise that this is projection behaviour and that he (and his girlfriend) is clearly the one's being selfish. Abuse is a selfish act as many people know. The entire goal is to make someone feel bad about themselves to make themselves feel better about themselves and this is an illusion of self-esteem as well.
After my dad split up with his ex-wife he took me to a very pointless self-esteem course. The man shouted at us to love ourselves. I didn't understand it, didn't want to be there and it didn't help at all. I think my dad did this to make it look like he was a good dad as well. I have no clue what else he could have possibly done about a course that taught you nothing about how to obtain self-esteem. How do you love yourself when you aren't encouraged to investigate why you have bad self-esteem?
Anyway, I learnt that self-esteem (at least for me) comes from trying to understand the root cause of why you don't believe you are worthy and the root cause was because my dad and his girlfriend constantly told me I was selfish. Which is the opposite of what you should be hearing when you are still developing into an adult. Also, see https://walkeverydaymay.blogspot.com/2023/05/victims-of-childhood-abuse-can-be.html for more about the messages of self I received from my dad and his girlfriend.
Recently I realised even more with how my dad treats this other person that he not only tells people they are selfish to deflect his own guilty conscience but it is also a way to make that person shrink themselves more in family social situations to make sure that they can be the centre of attention unchallenged. I have found that although I am taking back my power by showing up to family functions my dad is at and keeping to my boundaries, I also shrink myself a little to avoid being near him and to remind myself that I am not like him.
Narcissists position themselves in personal or professional relationships to control through dominating, minimizing, and devaluing their target. These behaviours may even look like rescuing others to put the narcissists in a position as the “good Samaritan” or “dependable saviour.” The narcissist thrives on the feeling of fully controlling and conquering others.
I am currently fighting my urge to shrink myself by mentioning concepts I have been learning for my own development which is also in my childcare course. For instance, I mentioned about consent training and how to protect children from child abuse in childcare centres. My dad and his girlfriend fake listened to my conversation with another family member about this and then my dad intercepted and talked about his experiences working in childcare. (I'm surprised he still has his job because his attitudes towards children are still condescending and apathetic) He ended up saying something that made him seem harsh to his cousin (or so I thought) but when he spoke I looked down at the table and avoided eye contact.
I then continued to talk to my second cousin as if my dad was not part of the conversation. I felt like in this instance I was fighting back and not shrinking myself. I showed my father that I had an awareness of what I deserved as a child and what I still deserve as an adult. In this instance, I felt like I shone and my father was inable to be the centre of attention in this conversation. When I started talking about child abuse I revealed that I was abused as a child and that I am inspired to help children in childcare. At this time my father had disengaged with this conversation and talked to his girlfriend. I wasn't paying attention to what they were saying because I was talking to my second cousin. I felt empowered to basically strut my knowledge and show I am aware of my self-worth in front of my father and his girlfriend and I was able to talk without him butting in later in the conversation.
So to conclude, if an abusive person calls you selfish, question them. Say something like. 'I'm sorry you feel this way, but I still want nothing to do with you and I also know that is untrue. I suggest you leave me alone now.' because narcissists also love to start arguments. I have come to a point that even though I would love to tell my father what I know about him; I also know it's pointless and I'd rather give my energy where it's needed and reciprocated. I also have found that I don't care as much about how nasty my father is. I have done so much healing that I can complain for a small amount of time and then move on fast because he is no longer a part of my life and he no longer has any power over me or my relationships.
I'm unashamed, unphased and unapologetic.
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