Life After Pain (A Walk Everyday May Blog)

 The other day I saw my maternal grandmother sitting down. She looked exhausted and she had a walking stick. Many people who judge people on outside appearances may find it hard to imagine that she is an abuser but I know better. When I was younger I wanted her to love me until I realised how destructive her ‘love’ was. It’s so damaging that I actually feel sorry for both my mother and my aunt. My mother has always been the discarded scapegoat, jealous of my aunt who is the smothered golden child. I use to feel for my aunt, having her sister being aggressive toward her simply because my mother was discarded by their mother and my aunt was favoured by their mother. I didn’t realise at the time that not only did both of these women lack awareness of the fact that their mother was unfairly comparing them all the time but I also realised later that I was a victim of this kind of toxic dynamic as well. For a while my mother and I were close because we were both the scapegoat but I chose...

 Many people are probably not aware of this piece of history nor would you be aware of the fictional adaptation by Thomas Keneally but I am aware of it and so is the indigenous community.  The Breelong murders occurred in Dubbo on the 21st of July 1938. It was later adapted into a fiction novel called The Chant Of Jimmie Blacksmith and then a movie by the same name which had Ray Meagher from Home and Away in it. Thomas Keneally’s intention was to be sympathetic to the First Nations community and expose how white people can be abusive toward indigenous people. He tried to characterise a brutal mass murder as tragic because of his race. Now people aren’t always aware of this other end of the spectrum of racism but that’s exactly what was done here and downplayed what was a horrific real life event. In the true event Jimmy Governor was an individual. He is not a representative of the entire indigenous community and there were many indigenous people at that time that did not condo...

  'Leave it to me.' Is a phrase used by an abuser in the book I'm reading about domestic violence. It's strikingly similar to a phrase my father used towards me 'Leave it with me.' Domestic Violence abusers often use similar phrases and words to garner control over their victims and when I saw this, I felt more validated but it also brought up an experience I didn't deal with at the time because my grandmother kept telling me that my father meant well at the time as a bid to silence me. A part of me always suspected that my dad used this phrase to control me but I wasn't certain when I was living under his roof. There was one time in particular when I asked my father if I could have a friend over. He said 'Leave it with me.' I asked him how many days should I wait until I got an answer and he said 'Just leave it with me.' At the time he came across as being slow and I thought he was going to ask his girlfriend If I could have a friend ove...

 Recently I have been reading a book called the Blame Changer which is about the general issue of Domestic Violence in all its forms. It's quite fascinating to know more about this from a psychologist who has more than 20 years experience with domestic violence. It is also both sad but interesting to know that Domestic Violence costs the Australian Economy about $21 billion dollars a year. This is a good point especially argumentatively in essays and debates. Considering our economy is in a worse way due to covid and inflation, convincing the government to do invest more time and effort into prevention and early intervention would be a bit easier when you mention these kinds of figures. It's also important to note that covid has increased domestic violence as a problem due to more poverty and lockdowns which made it harder for people to escape their abusers. The first lockdown put my little family in a position where we had to move because our abusive neighbour was home more an...

(This is a repost from last year) When I was younger and before I met my current partner I use to consider myself a romantic but I would always get into the wrong types of relationships or I would mostly prefer to be 'in love' with someone than be with them. Most of the time I was unaware of the fact that I was a victim of family violence because I was always escaping into romantic fantasy. I was obsessed with music, dancing and being in love and often when I wasn't in love I would feel bored and long to be in love again. In the past couple of years I realised that this was an addictive behaviour I would indulge in called Limerance. Limerance is a type of trauma bonding that feels a lot like love only you either prefer not to be in a relationship with that person or you constantly put that persons needs before your own to a point where you neglect your own needs such as eating and sleeping. When I first got together with my now fiance I knew that I was getting into a health...

So I was watching a story about Gabby Petito on 60 Minutes.  (This is a repost from last years event.) This tragic tale of intimate partner violence really struck a cord since I have been in abusive intimate relationships in the past and many female relatives had experienced more physical  violence. I still remember my grandmother coming home with a black eye when I was just six years old which was pretty extreme for a young girl to see without any context and although she was abusive I still feel like she deserved better. The circumstances in which her fiancee Brian Launderie came home and was vigorously protected by his parents was just as disturbing and when he was later found dead, the way Brian's parents handled the situation wasn't highlighted much at all. Although this makes sense because the story was about how Gabby was allegedly murdered by someone she loved and trusted, I would like to bring Brian's parents under the microscope. Just to be clear I in no way want ...

Recently I’ve been inspired by an artist and DJ Bip Ling. She has a character that she invented called Mooch. She likes to paint this character a lot and it’s become her brand. So I invented a design that I like to vary in the same way for Walk Everyday May. This design is called The Empowered Heart. Images on Google are often subject to copyright so I am creating original paintings to go with this blog so that this content remains visually engaging and original. I hope you all enjoy The Empowered Heart. Xx Aria-Joshes Keeshan 

  The ACT Community Services Website describes Intergenerational Trauma as: When the original traumatic experience is transferred from parents to children, and then grandchildren and so on. This is thought to be a result of learnt behaviour and alternations to internal workings with biological changes in the body due to stress (see Trauma Poster on Epigenetics). Intergenerational Trauma is a varied experience but it can also be a cycle created by Family Violence. For Instance A website called Duke University describes the experience as: A mother who is struggling with her daughter's sexual abuse, might also have been sexually abused by her father , who, may have also been sexually abused by his father. The impact of generational trauma is significant. When Family Violence and Intergenerational Trauma become one and the same it can be extremely damaging and people might not be aware of what that trauma looks like and how it becomes an ongoing cycle of dysfunction. The root cause of...

  When I was young my idea of love and friendship was emotionally unavailable and self depreciating. I wasn't aware of who my real friends were and my experience of being a victim of family violence was extremely convenient to some and inconvenient for others. I wasn't always aware of the solution to my wounds and how to be free of toxic relatives. I tried a few things including disappearing from facebook for a while. I was angry and scared when relatives admitted to spying on my facebook page to see what I was doing. They made me believe they had access to me through the internet even when I wasn't talking to them. Eventually I tightened my facebook privacy and barely used it anyways. Anyways I digress... When I was younger I had friends who saw my vulnerabilities as an opportunity to control me and then I had friends who would pick on me but didn't really know my pain until one day I reconnected with an old friend and made a fake facebook account to throw toxic relati...

  It took me a long time to find the right art school and feel a sense of belonging in this world. Initially when I applied for art schools in NSW, I didn’t get into University of New South Wales. I started at Sydney College of the Arts but I never felt like I fully belonged there. I was in contact with a lot of my toxic relatives back then and although I was able to intellectually connect with others, enjoyed lectures and engaged well in tutorials, I still felt like it must of been a fluke that I got into University and that I was a weirdo trying very hard not to be an outcast. I loved majoring in film those days but I also felt like I tried to belong everywhere because I couldn’t restrict myself to one art form (still can’t). When I started at UNSW I was just starting to find my feet in life. By the end of my first year I was in a healthy stable relationship and I started making art that pushed the boundaries and repulsed my grandmother. I started to realise that grossing out my ...

  Every now and then I have a flashback of certain things my abusers have said to me. At the time a part of me felt shame and buried these memories but when I remember them now I think of it with a whole new perspective. Here are some things abusive relatives have said to me and what they are really trying to do when they say these things. It may help others as abusers tend to say similar things. -I use to share my written work with my grandmother a lot but when I started showing my ability to be able to be independent from her she changed her responses to my writing. Most people know I have a very intimate style of prose and I share more of my life than others. Anyways one of the last times I shared my prose with her she responded with That's too much information! What she really meant in this situation was that my writing was becoming more open and honest and as she knew I had written about family members behaviour toward me before, she was worried I would write about her abuse t...

  **Trigger Warning** If this post brings up triggers for you, you can call lifeline 13 11 14. When I was living with toxic relatives they would often call me selfish. They called me selfish so much that as a young woman I thought I was selfish and this heavily affected my self esteem. After having very little contact with toxic relatives over 4 years I realised that it was my toxic relatives that were selfish and they were projecting their flaws onto me. Today I was contemplating that word, selfish and whether it can ever be used constructively. I’ve also been studying editing for employment purposes and surprisingly it has also been a tool to heal as well as helping me articulate my voice more. What I realised is that there are two ways to use this word in this kind of context. So here they are. You can say to a person ‘You’re Selfish’ which is very damaging and also abusive to say to a young child. Some people might not realise this but here’s why this is abusive. You are not ca...

  I’ve been massively triggered lately due to Easter. I’ve started to worry about history repeating itself. Every time I feel like I’m a mile away from the damage that my relatives did towards me, it comes up in other things I experience. Trauma and the memory of it can be massively invasive. I try to be kind to myself and remind myself of those that appreciate, value and respect me. It’s hard sometimes to stand up for the treatment I deserve. Other people sometimes have other ideas of what respect is or what constitutes as kindness. I use to have barely any standards in how I am treated but nowadays being respected, valued and appreciated is so important to me and this treatment depends on what I have to give and I can’t be any other way now. If I feel like I am being taken for granted or disrespected, I’m not able to give anything to these people even if they have been respectful in the past, even if they love me and don’t mean any harm. Disrespect suddenly empties my tank of gen...