Life After Pain (A Walk Everyday May Blog)

 Hi Dragonflies, Sometimes it can be triggering to have good similarities with toxic relatives. It is often a back-and-forth thing with me. In the past good similiarities used to blind me to the true nature of my toxic relatives. Good similarities with toxic family members can be both a blessing and a curse. It's a balancing act most times. You have to remind yourself about the positive attributes that you have that toxic relatives refuse to develop or pretend to develop in order to get your attention. I remind myself often how much better my life is now that they aren't in it. You see there are positive things we inherit through genes and there are positive attributes that we have chosen to develop learn that toxic family members often pretend they have to get your attention in order to have a controlling enmeshed relationship with you once again. I have become hyperalert and vigilant to this behaviour. The sad thing is that they have played a fake nice role so many times that...

  Hi Dragonflies, Before the drama occurred with my dad stalking me again, I was feeling bad that I had been neglecting this blog because my toxic relatives didn't cross my mind. Whenever I would write in this blog I would spread out my posts but because I don't have a scheduling option on blogger, spreading out made it more work and more time I had to think about my past. I would feel slack not writing and I would ocassionally feel a bit of shame writing because I was afraid people would misinterpret my inspiration as me not moving on. Last night I realised that I am entitled to lean into my prolific blog times and my quiet blog times. This is because when I need to release thoughts and feelings about toxic relatives, I need to do it at the pace of my inspiration. That means releasing muliple posts even several a day. Writing about it here not only helps other dragonflies(survivors/victims) but it also minimises my need to talk about it in my personal life. I also realised tha...

  Hi Dragonfly’s, You are all probably wondering why I have chosen to call you all (including myself) a dragonfly. Well I wanted to create a beautiful equaliser and empowering symbolism within the Walk Everyday May Event. We have the empowered hearts but I wanted something to call people and myself that is empowering and beautiful. I wanted something positive to associate with the goals of this event that didn’t have the word Violence or Abuse in it. I wanted something that represented where we are heading that didn’t have the negative connotations of what we are escaping. Something that resonates with our strength, beauty and kindness as survivors and healers. We are more than our experiences and I wanted something that resonated with how I feel the more I move forward in my healing journey. It’s empowering to speak up about what has happened to us and we are growing and into the amazing people we were always meant to be. Some of you are just beginning your journey and some of you...

  With competitive family dynamics, family members are continuously competing with one another. There is a sense of rivalry within the household, as members try to outshine their relatives. This competition could be for many things, such as attention, recognition, or power. — Elizabeth Perry ***Hi Dragonfly’s. I have decided that to protect identities I am calling myself WalkEveryDayMay Dragonfly and everyone who is on this healing journey with me and who supports this event, Dragonfly’s. I feel like this is a beautiful and empowering term for anyone who chooses to heal from Family Domestic Violence and Intergenerational Trauma. I also think it’s a nicer term than survivors/victims and ally’s. We are all united in our fight against Family and Domestic Violence*** The toxic family system often encourages children to compete with each other. This tactic not only damages a child's self-esteem but also damages their relationships within the family. It creates resentment of other relati...

  This entry is an update on my Walk Everyday May plans for 2024 and and my healing reward system. So firstly I’m going to talk about next years plans. I currently have a lot going on in my personal life so I didn’t have the time to make my event live next year as originally planned and stated in the Hawkesbury Gazette. Instead there will be one podcast interview on our YouTube channel and a competition to encourage you to get involved. There’s also a surprise I am planning for you all but I will announce it closer to May so stay tuned and watch this space :) You’re probably wondering what the above image is about. This is a little token I have made in place of a charm bracelet I will be saving for and designing. So basically I have a system that rewards me on my path of healing. It’s similar to the chip system recovering alcoholics have. So I count it from the last time I spoke to my dad. Each year I don’t speak to my toxic family I earn a new colour in the form of a charm/bell. S...

Being a good person, or rather appearing as one publicly, can generate fame and boost a narcissist's public image. Since narcissists are very interested in social status and influence, they use acts of generosity to appear noble and kind. Darius Cikanavicius   One thing that is particularly alarming about my father is that he is very deeply interested in psychology. Other narcissists in my biological toxic family have been interested in psychology and counselling as well. My toxic uncle by marriage is a bachelor of psychology drop out and my maternal grandmother also dropped out of counselling study as well. This is because they only studied it for superficial reasons and not to actually help people. My father is one of the most manipulative people I know. As I mentioned in an older blog entry, my father and his girlfriend used a psychologist to manipulate me. To others, it seemed like they were serious about helping me but I knew they were using family therapy sessions to manipula...

 I grew up with Britney Spears's music and I was a big fan most of my childhood. She is still a favourite of mine as an adult but I've come to love her more over recent years with the Free Britney movement and now this explosive memoir has made fans get excited once again. She is a music icon, an advocate for mental illness awareness and a powerful figure who has raised awareness of both the atrocity of conservatorships in America and Family Violence. I have followed Britney's journey in standing up to her abusive father and sister. I have a lot in common with Britney Spears and I've come to admire her more. People have been quite sexist towards her as well with many women even trying to stereotype her as a dumb blonde. She is nothing of the sort and people really don't know her deep down because most of what we see is a carefully orchestrated image designed by the music industry. There would be parts of her choosing but most of her stage persona has been orchestrat...

  When I was younger, people told me my father and grandmother were overprotective. They would be slightly frustrated but idolise them for being 'protective'. I always saw it for what it was and was the biggest obstacle to independence. When I was sick I wasn't able to take care of myself because my grandmother would take over my recovery and tell me I wasn't capable of taking care of myself. It was a very trying time for me and at times even embarrassing as people often defined me as a grannie's girl. My father had toxic habits like this as well. When I would go home at night my father would condemn me for it. He wouldn't support my independence at this time and made me more scared to go home at night. He would be judgemental of my going out at night at like he expected I should have a curfew for being a woman because he thought I could get raped. So when I did eventually get sexually assaulted, I found it hard to not blame myself as it happened at night at a p...

  If you thrive that means they are powerless over you. -- Michelle Lee Nieves Although my silver lining is that I can write about this and help others who are escaping (or have escaped) Family Violence, I'd rather write about the research I do on the topic and give others a voice. However, this blog is just as much about my journey of keeping contact cut as it is about domestic violence generally. Although I don't like my bio parents and their families, I don't wish them any harm. I no longer wish for a relationship with them. I'm living my best life and I just wish they would totally leave me and my family alone. I want them to move on. I don't see it as a rejection if they move on because they rejected me when I was in contact with them. If they move on then it's more of a relief. The only challenge for me right now is that I have to remind myself that I still have agency and autonomy over my own life and the only reason they would follow me on social media (...

  As I’ve been typing up a script I wrote months ago it made me realise just how far from my mind my toxic relatives are and how they are no longer a part of my life. I’ve been learning who I am beyond the trauma. I’ve recently retired as an artist with my degree now completed and I’ve been pursuing career changes. I’ve stopped looking for permission and approval from others to make decisions for myself and my family and my mind has been focused on the present and the future. I’ve even been considering making Walk Everyday May a bi annual thing so I can pursue my other aspirations in life which I don’t want to state here. It’s been such a liberating realisation that I don’t have to write about family violence as much from my own experience because of how I’ve completely distanced myself from my parents and their families. I barely notice when I walk past my toxic grandmother on the street.(on rare occasions that I’m in that area). I no longer fear being sucked back in by my toxic r...

Unfortunately, the results of the referendum last Saturday night devastated many people, especially many First Nations people. Even the leaders of the no campaign did not jump for joy. They smiled but you could feel that this was not a victory even for them because they had concerns for First Nations people as well. I want to say how mad I am at the no-camp but I will not be mad towards Anthony Mundine and Jacinta Price. I don't think this is a true victory to them either. I think if we can blame anyone we should blame Peter Dutton and any white person who voted no because they are racist. Now I'm not saying every person who voted no is a racist. It's a bit more nuanced than that and even though I voted yes I can see why a lot of people got confused and voted no. I think that a lot of First Nations people and white allies wanted the voice to be a definite thing. The biggest flaw was that it could be ignored and it's clear that First Nations want to be listened to in a w...