Life After Pain (A Walk Everyday May Blog)

  Initially when I decided to try and heal the root causes of my trauma I started seeing a Transpersonal Psychotherapist. I decided to do this because she was different to any therapist I had seen before and all  psychologists I had seen up to that point were using methods that weren't specific enough and was used on the general public such as cognitive behavioural therapy or just cognitive therapy. I needed something that went deeper and didn't just treat my occasional 'negative thinking'. Now that I know better, calling it negative thinking is over-simplistic and minimises what survivors of family violence go through. It's being triggered which is a trauma response. People who are survivors of family violence can be positive thinkers and even highly motivated individuals. A trigger is a response to something that has happened to that person not a true response to what is happening now. So the Transpersonal psychotherapist practised inner child therapy on me which ...

  ***This post is likely to be very triggering so if it does call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 1800 Respect.*** This is very hard to talk about but I think it's very necessary to talk about. Maybe it might make relatives more careful about how they behave towards their relatives. When I was a teenager I didn't just suffer from depression. There were also moments in my life where I wanted to end my life. I was often confused about it. On one Occassion I told my father I took too many pills. My father brought his friend with a car and his friend told me 'you're a stupid stupid girl'. My father said he thought I was doing it for attention. This broke my heart. They didn't care to know why I wanted to die. They didn't have any empathy for me. They just thought it was a stunt to draw attention to myself. What they said to me was very irresponsible and unfortunately I attempted again in secret. Luckily my second attempt didn't kill me. Now I am going to talk about ...

Recently I've been attending a group where I feel like I belong so much, it's like being the last piece of a puzzle and clicking into place. Although my last university was great I have never felt this sense of belonging before. I think it's also a sign that I am on the right path in life. So I went to this one off event by another organisation. Lately I've been feeling more confident so I became acutely aware that my posture was hunched and I didn't know what to do with my hands. The Facilitator of the group made me feel like I had attended a lecture and not a workshop and their humour would of normally left me in stitches but my mind and body did this weird thing. It sounded funny in theory but I couldn't laugh. Because I wasn't chiming in with laughter I smiled out of politeness because I was standing out and I felt like if I didn't smile, that the facilitator might have brought attention to the fact that I wasn't stroking his ego by not breaking ...

 I'm always careful about how I talk about religion. Religion can be a great source of comfort to some but for others it can be a front for abusers and a method of control. Historically some people who are religious leaders have been threatened by some scientific discoveries because it threatened their religious authority because these discoveries were not mentioned in religious texts. The trouble with the bible is that it has had to be translated over and over again and many verses are very ambiguous. This has opened up the floodgates to misinterpretation which has been used to support bigoted agenda such as homophobia, sexism, sex negativity and some extreme prejudices. People can often be exposed to practises that are inhumane such as conversion therapy which is not only dangerous but also pointless because you can't cure someone of their sexuality nor should you. I personally went to a fundamentalist christian school which was not only prejudiced against the usual types of ...

  When it comes to intimate partner violence victims are advised against couple therapy because counselling can be a ripe ground for manipulation, coercion, intimidation and attempts to find fault with the victim. The victim will also not be able to express what she needs and this can make therapy dangerous. For me growing up, I thought it was promising that my father and his girlfriend were into therapy as opposed to my grandmother who was against it. I didn't understand why my dad and his girlfriend were getting therapy together but one day I asked if I could join them which was a big mistake. They welcomed me to go along with them and the focus of the therapy sessions was taken off them as a couple and was put on 'my inability to be a functioning part of the family'. Looking back now I think the fact that my dad and his girlfriend were openly speaking about getting couples therapy was a front and a honey trap. Soon enough I was being labelled as 'selfish' and mad...

  When I was around 14 my dad started a long distance relationship that kept him on the phone for most nights. When I was 16 my dad’s long distance girlfriend came to live with us. On top of experiencing severe neglect at both their hands I would often witness the toxicity of their relationship. They would often shout at each other and throw things at each other. I would stay out of the way as much as possible when they had these explosive arguments. My dads relationship was very toxic and made me cringe a lot of the time. I saw my father regress in growth and become like a teenager that threw tantrums. He may have been dysfunctional before this relationship but he never use to throw tantrums to this caliber. His tantrums were more like 3 year old tantrums at this point which was ironic because he worked in a childcare centre. My father gave up his own individual identity for this relationship and he even started liking his girlfriends taste in music. It wasn’t like they became lov...

  When I last spoke to my mother she admitted that her and my father often looked at my Facebook. I’ve also found numerous fake Instagram accounts of my father’s and that wasn’t just through searching. At one point one of those fake accounts was suggested to me as a friend believe it or not. Abusers can be very sloppy. From reading books and articles on Family Violence I found that this is an abusive tactic called checking up on you. I use to feel very afraid of this tactic until I realised that ‘checking up’ on my socials was them grasping at straws trying to control me. They might make it sound like they can see what you’re up to or make you feel like they are in control but this is the lowest form of ‘checking up’ and you can gain autonomy in this. At one point I shut down my socials and went awol online for a while. That turned out to be good for my mental health but not so good at keeping up with artist opportunities or making a difference with my event Walk Everyday May. I th...

Yes I believe so but in my case I haven’t seen any real change in my biological family. As a disclaimer though, I do not write about my current family in this blog. The family I have now are very good to me and because I am aware that toxic relatives might be reading this blog as it is a public one I do not share information about my current family that I have married into. This is mostly to protect them as I have had relatives seek out people I have contact with as a bid to control me. Here are signs a family member is serious about change and wants to contribute to yours and their healing journey.  -They admit honestly how much they have hurt you and demonstrate an understanding of how much you have suffered. They can acknowledge the betrayal of trust,love and safety this represents and does not minimise or excuse their actions. -They genuinely apologise, making eye contact when saying sorry, and pledging a commitment not to repeat their violence. -Show empathy for you and others...

  When I was growing up my father had a very co-dependant relationship with his mother. I saw that he had little faith in his ability to make decisions for me. I often felt saddened by this. When my father and I were close I had wished he didn’t turn to his mother or girlfriends as I truely believed he was capable of making his own decisions and I think if he had trusted his intuition more, he would of made good decisions. Most of my father’s failures as a parent was due to the fact that he trusted the wrong people in life. Now I would never excuse my father for his abuse and bad parenting but I do think it’s important to be aware of the whole situation I grew up in as a bid to have a deeper understanding of intergenerational trauma. My father and my uncle would often suffer at the hands of an overbearing and very controlling mother. I didn’t see this growing up as I thought my father was the only problem when I was moving out and I thought I was escaping abuse moving into my grand...

There are so many different types of abuse and sometimes it's hard to define a certain type of abuse if it isn't listed. One type of abuse that I experienced is categorised as neglect but I think it should have it's own name as I have heard of others experiencing this too and many might see this as a person 'helping' but they are not, they are refusing your basic care. As a survivor of family violence from birth I had experienced a lot of mental health issues growing up. Through my teen years I frequently had depression and anxiety on and off. One of the teachers at my school urged my dad to get a medical assessment of me because I was numb and didn't seem to enjoy my life. I was unaware of this. So my dad took me to a GP where they diagnosed me with depression and prescribed me antidepressants. My father filled the prescription at the time and talked to his mother over the phone about it. They apparently didn't believe that 'medication' was the answ...

  One thing I dislike about my maternal grandmother is that she tries to get people's sympathy by saying she had to estrange herself from my mother because she did drugs. I'm actually surprised at some of the stuff people take in by her because I personally wouldn't be fooled but then again there were things she said that use to fool me when I was younger. I think it's easy to judge the people that get sucked in by her but it's important to remember that they are victims as well and that's apparent more when she changes churches. Growing up I was afraid of drugs. I thought they were the equivalent of being possessed. This however is not true and believing this about drug takers makes it hard for a lot of domestic violence victims to seek help in the community. The fact is most domestic violence victims get addicted to something and although hard drugs can really mess up a persons life, there are more ways to achieve escapism mentally when you don't know how ...

  ***Warning: This Post May Trigger Some People. If this brings things up for you, call 1800 Respect, Lifeline on 13 11 14 or The Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 or check out the helplines that White Ribbon lists: https://www.whiteribbon.org.au/Find-Help/Help-Lines  ***** As I have started this event there are things that happen that remind me that this event is going to be one of the most important things that I do with my life. It hasn't been an easy road to get here and I know every now and then I may get triggered or my abusers may still try and crawl back into my life but I know I am stronger and heading in a new direction. The fact that these people will still try to destroy my life just makes me an even better advocate in the pursuit of preventing Family Violence and creating a space where others like me can feel connected and totally supported. So when I last spoke to this particular family member they made it clear that they didn't appreciate me and didn't want anything...

Many people have an idea in their mind as to what an abuser looks like and acts like. Unfortunately this stereotype allows for much worse abusers to fall under the radar. When I was a teen my father walked right from his divorce into a relationship with a stranger. This stranger was someone he met not in person, not online but through an unpopular dating fad called phone dating.  Once my dad started with this fad he was on the phone every night. I barely saw him and I was left entirely alone and unsupported during the loss of my stepmother. When I finally met my dad’s new partner I was fooled. I felt uncomfortable but I also thought she was nice. She gave me the impression that she was gentle, shy and independent. But once I got to really know her I was told by her that I was negative (when I was going through clinical depression) and she got my dad and I into self help books that had no real substance. Eventually I started to see that there was a nasty vindictive and selfish perso...

"Each May, Queensland marks Domestic and Family Violence Prevention Month (DFVP Month) to raise community awareness of domestic and family violence (DFV) and to send a clear message that DFV in families and homes will not be tolerated." When I initially came up with the idea of Walk Everyday May I was walking 20,000 steps everyday in lockdown and came up with the phrase "Walk Everyday May" because it rhymed. When I did further research on FDV activism I learnt that May was the official FDV Awareness month.  So a better opportunity was born to make this event special and ongoing.  Domestic Violence Prevention Month MAY Domestic and Family Violence Prevention Month is an annual event held each May to raise community awareness of the social and personal impacts of domestic and family violence and the support available to those affected. The key aims of the month are to: raise community awareness of domestic and family violence and its impacts; promote a clear message o...